06 August, 2007

Trigger Happy

So I find no shame in saying that I take Wellbutrin. See I said it. Okay, some shame...I need a crutch. My doctor said very nicely.."jennyalice, You are having very, very normal responses to a very extreme situation.. and I don't see the situation changing any time soon".

But what I have noticed lately is that I have been forgetting to take it sometimes, and here's why I think this is...

  • I have had consistent childcare, both in number of hours and with the proper nurturing of my children.
  • I have been giving away and throwing away things from my house to try to dig our way into a cleaner easier life.
  • I have been completing some contract work.. for that same beautiful SF company.. and they appreciate what I can do.. and pay me accordingly.
  • I have a "new-ish" group of friends who are very supportive and brave and funny and who appear to like me.
So what I have figured out is that I need a few things to feel human: a little time away from being a mommy, a little control over my environment, a few moments where someone thinks I'm smart, and a couple more when someone thinks I am funny. That's it. On a day when I can also add going to the gym, making dinner for my husband and reading a book.. well that sounds like a life of luxury.

Most days I get a "trigger" which reminds me that a little round white pill will make life a lot smoother...like I look into the unfinished backyard which I began to undo for my kids, but will most likely never finish, or I try not to get kid's poop into the cracks on my hands which are there from washing my hands so much because I change so many diapers.

Some days the "trigger" comes at 4am when Jake is wandering the halls and I am unable to get up to help him because I still have Lucy nursing for what seems like all night long for these 13 months of her life.

Whatever it is, lately I haven't noticed those "little" triggers, the days aren't as tough when I have some of those other things going on. hmmm....
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