Ya' Been Busy?

from my mom, after almost a week without hearing from me, and no blog posts to read:

hi,

I assume I still have a daughter??? have ya been busy?

Love,

Momma

my response:

Work presentation, finally got my hair cut/highlighted for first time since May, editing TPGA manuscript.  

Lucy lost her backpack (with awesome lunchbox, all of the cool boxes that actually fit inside, a new pleather jacket that she has worn once), several school functions. 

Triennial IEP for Jake, which is a very big deal with a lot of talk about deficits..reestablishes his being able to stay at Wunderskool. Then annual meeting with Regional Center social worker to determine eligibility of respite hours etc.; more talk about deficits.

Sister and boys in town since Thursday.

Jake very agitated for the past week or so, hitting himself, hard, on thigh and face, and not sleeping. Lucy lost another tooth. (I told her the tooth fairy can't come until Monday night.)

Seems like everyone has reflux . Screen door (in the back) has been removed because it broke beyond repair.

Every after school child-care/aide we have, has changed their hours. And now, backed up plumbing-snaked it four times.

That is the last SIX days. I wonder what Monday will hold (aside from calling the plumber at 8am)?

******* 

of course we did do fun things too, which I failed to mention in my email.

in those same six days:

I visited my son's classroom and got to introduce a new aide to how we interact with Jake.

I cleaned up the dining room table (my office) by putting things away or throwing them away rather than stashing the stuff somewhere else.

We went as a family to my daughter's soccer team. (Yes, I am the 'team mom', but I asked someone else to bring the snacks this week! I asked for help!)

We went to an evening fundraiser at Lucy's school and ate cotton candy and looked at cool cars.

I put some finishing touches on an awesome project I'm working on.

We had a prodcutive editorial meeting for TPGA, and we are well on our way to getting the book out.

My husband, sister, and I went out with friends to a new Tepanyaki resturant and practically had our eyebrows singed off at the Benihana-style grill table.

We home-brewed beer on Saturday night so that it will be ready for my sister's birthday.

We took all of our umpteen kids downtown to listen to music and play for free on inflatable jump houses.

and I took a nap.

My Life in a Pencil Box

Eagle Marker. I took this from my dad when I left for college. I found it on the dining room table under a stack of mail that looks so much like the stacks of mail I have now. I never understood how a person could have that much mail, or how you could lose a check made out to you, or how something might get sent in late or not at all. I could not imagine ever having such a complicated and messy life. My empathy has taken so long to develop.
Pink eyeliner pencil I took this from my mother's makeup drawer when I left for college. I'm fairly certain she didn't really use it, as I recall her wearing a smoky blue/black, but I also took a Clinique dry/wet eyeliner set too, just in case. My mother is beautiful and I always hoped I would grow up to be as pretty as she is. When I first tried makeup in 7th grade, the only comment she made was "In a little while you will see that you are wearing way too much makeup and that you're much prettier with much less. Come to me when you want me to teach you how to put makeup on." Three days later I learned how to use a soft sea sponge to put on foundation...
Gap pencil This one is before they even changed the logo, so it must be from 1989 or 1990. I started working there in 1989 and didn't leave for 11 years. I met some of the most wonderful people and learned a lot about business, management, communications and how to make friends and influence people.. no seriously, I did.
U.C. Berkeley ballpoint I bought this pen when I went to ASUC for the first time as a student (that's pronounced AY SUCK for those of you who didn't go to Cal). I then went and bought a gazillion dollar Shakespeare anthology and realized I would not be able to afford another pen until 1994 at the earliest. I still have that anthology. The first flowers Descartes ever gave me are pressed in that book. We were just friends when he gave me those flowers, it was more than a year after that when we started dating, and they are the only flowers I have ever pressed in my life.
Montblanc (totally fake) I bought this for myself around Christmas my freshman year of college when I was a) feeling sorry for myself and feeling dramatic. or b) having a moment where I just knew that if I had the right pen I would be the best poet/storyteller/novelist on the planet. Probably a little bit of both. I have a small blue-papered journal somewhere that "goes with" this pen. I carried them both in a leather mail bag that weighed 20 pounds empty. I carried these items everywhere, and pulled them out to furtively scribble poems and essays while on BART, all over San Francisco, and back in Berkeley at one of my favorite people watching spots, Cafe Milano or Caffee Strada.
Posterman pen from my sorority days. That place was more polarized than the U.S. House of Representatives on Health Care Reform vote day. I was the song chair at one point, and made all sorts of posters with the words of ΚΑΘ songs on them. That pen smells so much that I nearly passed out while making those posters, even in my most beautiful "fishbowl" room (I shared with an older girl who was in an a Capella singing group with me. She had more 'points' so we had an awesome room).
Waterman pen (with my maiden name engraved on it) I worked so hard for this pen. I was in the Internship program at Gap. It was fairly new, like perhaps I was the second or third year that it existed? Basically if you followed all of the rules, learned all your stuff, performed magic tricks and smiled all the time, you would graduate college and become an Associate Manager. As a graduation gift our Regional Manager gave us each a pen with our name on it. I always liked that regional manager, even when others didn't, which is kind of odd considering she was very tough, super exacting and had expectations for us that were above and beyond what was expected for our level. When I graduated I was an Associate Manager for three weeks before I got my own store. It was not a prestigious store, but my District Manager told me flat out, "jennyalice, sometimes you gotta take one for the team." So I did, and I learned a LOT, mostly about myself.
Google pen I stole this one from Descartes. (It seems I am thief when it comes to pens?). It used to have a cool light in it with red, blue, yellow and green (Google logo colors), but it must have burned out some time in the last 10+ years I've had it. Perhaps it was the first piece of Dot.com swag in our house? It reminds me of my Life With Endless Possibility that was before. It helps me remember things like Big Promotions, being newlyweds, and drinking late into the night on the evening Inktomi went public.
CMD pen I briefly worked at CMD after I left Gap. There were some very talented people there, but I never really fit in with the company personality. They are a Portland based company, and it was the height of Dot.com-everything-moves-very-very-quickly. I could never figure out why I was so frustrated until Descartes described Portland once after driving around for six hours waiting for me to finish my once-a-month meeting in the home office. I asked him how his day had gone and he said, "I feel like a tiger in a cage full of bunnies."
Waterman pen Descartes bought me this pen the first year we were married, for my birthday. I was so surprised and happy that he would know exactly what I would want... I also couldn't find my Gap pen at the time...I remember that the blue Waterman box was actually wrapped and had a bow on it. He took it out of his Cabella's mail bag, the green canvas one with the brown leather accents. That was back when his bag was really just his bag, and he wouldn't have dreamed of ever needing to get something out of my purse. We still had parts of us that were completely, completely, separate. It also reminds me that we used to actually buy presents for each other. I mean buy presents for each other that the recipient didn't know about until that person unwrapped the gift. Sadly, as good as my memory is, I cannot remember the last time I received a wrapped gift, and I know I have not wrapped a damn thing for Descartes in years, except perhaps a sandwich in some plastic.

There were other pens and pencils in the ratty zip top bag, including colored pencils which Lucy needed for her art project this morning. Grabbing for those pink and silver wooden sticks, her hands pushed past these little flashes, these pieces, past my very own tranche de vie narrative. I was sort of stopped there in each of those moments, thinking, then listening to the little voice in my head,

"Oh my God, jennyalice. You really need to clean out that desk drawer more often."

Now That's Good Customer Service

I just went to the dry cleaner.. not just any dry cleaner...my dry cleaner. Our relationship has gone to a whole new level today.

He said "Jenny?" (and he really calls me Jenny, something not so common unless you knew me when I was a kid, know me from this blog, or have known me a long time) "Jenny, are you sad about something? You look sad today."

wow. that obvious?

So I answered truthfully, which appears to be my only ability lately, and it is not always in my best interest to tell the truth, or at least the truth as I see it, but my yammering has been full of it these days.

I said, "Well, I had a long talk with my mom...and I made her sad, and that in turn made me sad, which made her a little more sad, and a little mad, which made me mad, and a lot more sad, and everything will be okay, but it was just a lot for one day."

and he said, "It will be okay. You love your mom, the way you talk about her. You went on a trip with her last year right?" (which is impressive that he would remember don't you think?) "You love your mom and she loves you, it will be fine. Cheer up Jenny."

and I left feeling like the world is a pretty good place..and then I went to get coffee because I am hoping that caffeine can help put my brain back together.

and who shows up next to me?

my dry cleaner...my dry cleaner who says, "I would like to buy Jenny's drink." and when I protested, he said, "Let me do this for you. You need to cheer up Jenny."

so I let him buy me my double shot of espresso with a little dollop of whipped cream.

and I am, I think, a bit cheered up.

Don't you wish he was your dry cleaner?

A Nearly Daily "Back" Regimen

I open the kitchen cupboard and fiddle with all of the little bottles, then take:

2 Naproxen for my aching back.
2 super vitamins to get my mom off my back.
1 Wellbutrin XL so as not to get all over someone else's back.
1 "Stay Awake" (generic No-Doz) to keep from lying down on my back.


I swig this down with a sip of water with a Coffee back.

Being Present

We went up to SF today to see my family for the day before they head out of town on Monday morning. We sat through 40 minutes of traffic to go three blocks then we narrowly escaped being caught in the Veteran's Day Parade (thank you men and women for your courage and self-sacrifice).

We ate at one of the Ferry building restaurants and for some crazy reason I thought Descartes and I could walk with both kids to the Aquarium at Pier 39 and meet the rest of my family who would take the trolley car. Do you know that the Ferry Building is actually not even Pier One? It was 1.3 miles to our destination. Not actually that difficult, except for these reasons:

• Lucy hates her stroller
• Descartes and I walk at two completely different paces. I do the fast "retail" walk, and Descartes? Uhm he has a smooth well-paced "lumber". Believe me, in an emergency Descartes could walk the 50 miles to save our family, but everyday walking together has been first a "ha ha" joke between us, then a problem, and now something we 'manage'... in this case I walked ahead with Lucy.
  
• Lucy hates her stroller.
• I wore my awesome black boots with a heel, which can generally be worn all day long.
  
• Lucy's stroller is broken and no longer has the ability to buckle anything to anything.
• Lucy is only 17 months (today) and therefore cannot walk 1.3 miles in the wind along a busy street without at least having her hand held.

Okay so blah blah blah.. Lucy rode on my shoulders for 1.3 miles, then we did the whole touristy thing... then we walked back! I felt like I was doing that Avon walk again.

I have blisters on the bottoms of both of my feet from wear my socks rubbed. Descartes hurt his back somewhere along the way yesterday.

The point of all of this is that we did stuff that my kids enjoyed yesterday... with my parents. We went to a little Mexican restaurant that did not even have table service... we went to an aquarium...we sat outside by the water and drank smoothies. I think everyone enjoyed themselves too. It felt like we really were all present in the moment and there wasn't a lot of pretense or stress (aside from that initial traffic), or high highfalutin' something or other for me to panic over (you can dress us all up appropriately, but I have a kid with a disability and a toddler.. those two creatures don't exactly blend in at the club). It still wasn't a "natural" environment to show off my kids, but at this point what would that even look like? And it is hard to rest when you are fighting for a table at the wharf, but it was closer, sort of, to my parents spending time with Jake and Lucy that looks like Jake and Lucy being who they are.

I don't believe we should live our lives around our children. I think parents coddle their kids, and give in way too easily/early. I think parents lose themselves in parenting, sacrificing their marriages and neglecting their minds. I think that removing all sense of winning and losing so kids can have "great self esteem" is wrong and going to seriously back-fire on our nation in the next twenty years. Kids should learn to sit nicely at the table, and have great manners and deal with itchy ties and stiff shoes, and be able to "not speak unless spoken too" if necessary.

but...

I do think that kids are only small once. I am never having another baby. My parents are never having any more grandkids...okay , maybe one more? But not from me. It will be from my step-sister who we never see anyway. So this is it. Everyone's chance to make silly faces and read books to tiny people with little fingers who can't turn the pages well. This is it to see wonder and the world through the eyes of someone who has never seen it before. Lucy can already walk and talk. They only saw her twice before she could walk, so the 'baby' part is done. That's it.

So I guess I'm glad we all went to the aquarium yesterday so they could see Lucy touch a sea star for the first time, and see Jake watch the anchovies swim 'round and around (they still may have a chance to see this in the future though, eh?). I'm glad we spent more time sitting and drinking smoothies in the California fall sunshine than we did gazing over menus at a beautiful high-end-hotel brunch.

There will always be time for poached salmon and eggs Florentine...but Lucy is already done with her stroller.

Old Skool

Lucy and I just drove to San Francisco to join my parents (the PJ and Gloria set) for lunch at an Old Skool fish house. Been in business since 1849.. clearly they must have had different waiters in the past, because with the level of customer service we just had they would have been out of business in two months max.

Lucy was precious for quite awhile which is always good so people are more patient when she starts to lose it.

We left lunch a bit before everyone else was done, and a full hour and a half after we had arrived. She was sound asleep in her stroller by the time we were two blocks away.

Valerie is coming to watch the kiddos tonight so Descartes and I can eat a nice dinner with my parents and all of their lovely friends.. I mean that. They really have lovely friends these days. I even forgive them for being scary die-hard USC fans. My Lovely Step Sister Sarsaparilla and her fiancé, James will be there too. They too follow the football games when they can. It is always fun to see them since James is very, very good with my children and they both have so much joy on their faces when they see my kids. Descartes and I also had a rip-roarin' good time with them when we were in Maui. I think we laugh a lot when we are with them.

*************
Thinking about it, it gives me great comfort to know my momma has someone to go to the movies with. Life is hard ya know? and I would not make it without my girlfriends.

What do I Look Like to You? Don't Answer That.

I got to spend some time with my dear friend Kaycee tonight. In town on business, we haven't seen each other in years, after spending every single day togther most of our childhood.

She was in my wedding, and I in hers. We wear the same size shoe, and she let me borrow her Guess! overalls in 8th grade. We met when we were nine years old when we were both best friends with Sue.

Kaycee has recently started reading this blog. I asked her if it was odd to have this relationship with me when I wasn't actually there. She said it is hard not to be close enough to hug me.. which is nice, since I need a hug on most days.

She said the hardest part about reading is that the person who shows up online is not the woman she knows. "In real life", she said, "You are the strongest person I know, fearless and constantly leading the rest of us, and online there is another part of you that is vulnerable and fearful and doubting yourself and the way you are taking care of Jake and Lucy. In all the years I've know you I have barely ever seen those parts."

hmmmm I was trying to figure this one out. I am thinking maybe it's because I try very hard not to burden my every day relationships with ALL of the crazy stuff in my head.. now if you choose to read, that's your own business, but I cannot imagine having any single friend who could possibly bear all of me. Just as I don't think your spouse should be "everything". You need a couple of friends who "get you" and some who like your kids, and some, at least one who likes your spouse. You need someone who makes you laugh, and someone who will hold your hair if you puke (from the flu or otherwise)... people to eat with, people who camp, someone who thinks you're sexy, smart, funny, whatever those words are for you...Descartes is a little of all of those things, but he can't hear it all every day, neither can my mom and she made me.

My Momma

my mom can't blog.. we used to fight about how she would always ask how to "cut" and "paste" in Word docs. I told her that she was going to live at least 40 more years and she should damn well figure it out.. so anywhoo she can't post a comment on my blog.. so she emails me... and I guess she must be reading my little words here because this is what she wrote:

i pray
i cry
i pray
i wash clothes
i pray
i email
my daughter blogs
I look in the mirror and I see my mother... i know that i'm not as smart as she...
my daughter is smarter than both of us...
i miss them both all the time... my life is so wonderful..... but there are so many things that make me sad... i can't change any of them.. i do the best i can.... i never feel like it is enough.... i miss my grandma... sometimes i take her old cooking fork out of the drawer and just look at it...
she would tell us .... it will get better, be patient
hell! she was always WASHING CLOTHES...!!!!!
I love you
momma

for as often as we fight and misunderstand each other, I get it. She knew I would get it when I had a daughter. Lucy makes me crazy. She is so demanding and smart and annoying and funny and crazy and she is into everything all the time and she never stops moving and she dances in the kitchen and so I kind of get it. Why I can get under my mother's skin like no one else (except maybe Gerard.. he is pretty remarkable that way).. why she can get under mine. But aside from all of the tears and yelling and talking and irritation and such.. I am my mother's daughter. I have all of her odd little habits, and some of her heart and concern for others. I have her nails and her hands for that matter, and her oh-so-tiny ankles (though she has never broken hers).

I have much more to say on this topic.. not to mention that I also have my stepMomster.. and in many ways I have become that mother's daughter too.. because they are more alike than either would like to think...if in no other way.. they both love me fiercely.. and I am lucky for that. Hard to breathe sometimes, but I am lucky just the same.

My CA- Razy Mom

So I get a call last night about 7:30pm.. it's my mom, Gloria.

GH: "jennyalice you are a talented writer."
me: "Uhm, thanks mom."
GH: "And you are very good at drawing."
me: "No, mom, actually I'm not."
GH: "Yes you are."
me: "Okay, let's say I am."
GH: "Well, you are. You are very artistic."
me: "No, I have a kid that's autistic, that's different."
GH: "Well, that's my point jennyalice. You should write a children's book."

because I have time for such things? because I am so great at writing children's books?

the seed has been planted, and now it will be one more thing on my list of things I should do in my life. so when you hear me talking about this cockamamie idea...it is all her fault.

Moral Dilemma #18,648

or at least that's what it feels like.

so here is the thing. Having a second child was a terrifying venture, one which took me YEARS to be okay with after figuring out that Jake was, well, Jake. We did, obviously, and WOW, I could not imagine how great my life would be adding Lucy to the mix. The kids played together in the backyard today, and little Lucy gave Jake a hug today.. and even better, he let her hug him!

Alas...not all is perfect bliss. So here's my deal. I have been going to So Cal with Lucy every few months. Okay I have been twice. I get my hair cut and my mom watches Lucy. I go shopping with my mom and Lucy. We take Lucy to fancy restaurants (like we used to do with Jake when he was her age). Lucy plays with her little cousin Bubsy (who is 13 months older). Then I fly home where Jake and Descartes have been spending the weekend together. I was planning on going again at the end of July, or maybe in mid-August.

So I was asked this evening if I was ever going to take Jake to Southern California for the weekend? Did I only take Lucy because my mom has a favorite? They were innocent enough questions, but it made me really sad. When I talked to Descartes about it, he (innocently) had made the same assumption that I would alternate which kid I take to visit 'my' family. He's not sure why it is such a big deal. And it's not really, but it is. Yes, it is a big deal to me.

And so it has begun. This was one of the things I worried a lot about before Lucy was born. If Jake can't do something (go camping on the beach or go horseback riding for example**) does this mean that Lucy doesn't get to do it either? If I am not willing to, in my opinion, torment Jake with a trip to Southern California where he will need to "be careful" the entire time he is there.. does that mean I shouldn't go with Lucy a few times a year?

When Jake was a baby I used to drive down by myself, or fly regularly. Descartes and I also used to visit there a lot more than we do now (basically we go for Christmas now). I want Lucy to have some of those same special..all about the little baby experiences that Jake had. Am I awful for wanting that for her?

And maybe this is all wrapped up in the fact that my family doesn't really come here very often, and traveling with Jake is a lot more difficult than traveling with Lucy (although he never screamed on a plane like she has).

and

here is the bad part

I do like the experience sometimes of not being the mom with a special needs kid. No matter what, when I am with Jake, that is the first thing people think about. He is not a subtle child (unless you are at a water park.. you might not be able to see his disabilities right away at a water park). Not that I am not always his mom.. of course he is always taking up a ginormous space in my heart and head.. but when I am sans kids with my family, or with any one, or I just have Lucy with me, sometimes people are able to communicate with me without that sad face...that sad, "poor jennyalice" look. Sometimes I am able to have conversations which are not solely focused on my child's development.. or better yet, I am able to talk with my parents about Jake's development without the need to run around and chase the child we are discussing. I get a chance to breathe.

Is that selfish? That's it, I'm selfish and that is one thing I do not like being called. I try each day to be as generous as I can, and this desire to take Lucy on a trip makes me feel selfish, which is why the questions rubbed me the wrong way.

I don't know. I am sad. I am sad because this will keep coming up and I will keep being judged. If I take Lucy and leave Jake I am not being "fair", if I take Jake and leave Lucy then I am being a "martyr" who "can't let go". If I take them both I will be "found dead in an airport bathroom".

Even if I go now and take Lucy as I had planned (by the way this was the last time this year I was going to do this, so it will have been a total of three times in 13 months), even if I go it will be tarnished and I will be thinking about how I "left Jake behind". And this is never going to be an issue with Descartes' family because they live near us, so my husband will never need to deal with this dilemma. Each kid has easily visited his parents' house solo, together, it is not a big deal because it is so common (though most times we are all together).

I had the most amazing relationship with my grandmother. We went on the train together and to the opera and the zoo, and the symphony and plays and Europe... and my brother, he didn't do any of those things with her. And somehow we both loved her so much that we each named our daughters after her (they have the same middle name).

and I guess I want a little bit of that for Lucy.






** Jake loves the water, so a trip to the beach requires many adults. We car camp away from the beach..and Jake cannot sit on a horse by himself, will not wear a helmet etc...

Ragged at the Edges

I think the last week really wore me out.. between Jake being at Camp, Lucy starting to wean, and still getting used to child care twice a week, my sister, her husband and babies in constant peril in South lake, my mother's birthday (for which I was unable to do advanced planning.. you know send a card in advance...), two major house projects that are both stopped mid-way by lack of parts and time,
I am worn down, and a bit ragged at the edges.

Jake came home with a tummy virus that went around Camp.. he got it the last 12 hours of camp, so when they called me Friday morning, they basically just wanted to give me the head's up. I bought the required Pedialyte and some Immodium and he was basically fully recovered by the time we got him home...happy kid. I know it is a good idea to send him to Camp, but I do know I sleep better when I know I've tucked him in a night.

So I am getting some of it in line now, I think...

Jake is home.

My sister's house is still standing her and the babies are breathing fine.

I ordered way-too-expensive flowers for Gloria.

I have now researched shower stalls and my city is giving away free low-flow toilets.

Sprinkle don't dunk

We went to Lake Tahoe this weekend to celebrate Lucy's first birthday and to baptize her in style. We went to Baldwin beach for a full dunking, but since the water was "headache cold" we only poured water over her forehead.

She wore a beautiful and very formal dress made lovingly by Descartes' mom, Cookie. It actually fit her perfectly... even though it was made before she was even born! Cookie and Papa drove their RV and stayed at a very nice campground not too far from my sister's house. They were very sweet to somehow get it together in spite of having just returned from The East Coast via D.C. and Miami. They were mighty jet-lagged, but managed to happily blend in with the rest of my crazy family.

It is actually not fair to say that they are crazy.. not this time. It all went so smoothly. I am really very very lucky to have such a great, if complicated family.

My Mom and Step-dad wonderfully put up my family and my brother's family in a hotel we all thought was going to be amazing.. but it was really just a Caesar's palace with a name-change.. None the less my children acted like it was Christmas and had a grand time on the cozy beds and in the Gigantic two person tub (as long as you ignored the slime mold it was fine!) Gloria and P.J. were generous as always, and I so appreciated that they drove all that way. Gerard and Pinky and my precious niece, Bubsy were great to have in attendance since they do not often travel outside of the Southern California basin (except to go to Hawaii or Mexico). I actually think it was the first time either of them had been to Tahoe..perhaps even north of Fresno! Bubsy really enjoyed playing in the jump house with Jake, and taking a bath with Lucy.


BIAD and my step-mom, Monster (by the way, not a deriding term.. I am Step-brat.. although this may be a more accurate name)stayed with my sister along with my youngest brother Albert and a friend Monster brought with her from work, Kory. She was delightful and a tremendous help with all of the kids.

We figured out that this was the first time all four kids have been in the same place since Demanda and Jaster's wedding in 1999. How sad is that? Someone has always been away at school or sick, or dying, or grieving, or poor or angry. We were really only all in the same place for about 6 hours, but it was nice.

Jaster and Demanda have re-organized and arranged their entire house to make it work with two little babies.. and they were amazing hosts for Lucy's birthday weekend acting as a home base for everyone. I thanked them about a million times, but there is never quite enough thanks I could give someone who actually takes care of me. Between Gloria and P.J. arranging for my hotel, Cookie making the dress and Demanda and Jaster setting up their entire house, I really didn't need to worry about anything. It felt so nice to have someone make some decisions and make it so I didn't need to anticipate every single need all by myself.

By the way Jaster and Demanda's house is still ready for Jake at a moment's notice. They continue to provide a sanctuary for my family time and time again.

So the weekend, overall went very smoothly. I am very proud of everyone for playing nicey-nice and I think enjoying themselves.

Will post a few pictures if I can get some from someone else.. since we could not get it together enough to bring our own camera. oh got one....

Friggin' Weird

"Sure would be wonderful if they could figure out what the hell Autism is and why it happens. It's just so friggin' weird. Isn't it?-Gloria

i love my mom

It Won't Always be This Hard

I just found out a friend of mine has breast cancer. Makes me realize (again) that I really don't have it all so bad...

My mom said to me the other day that it won't always be this hard...

I burst into tears because I really thought she was reminding me that it will get harder. We both laughed, because of course she was actually trying to make me feel better.

Then we laughed a bit more.. because my life will probably never be easier than it is today while Lucy is still small enough NOT to be driving, and Jake can still be carried (barely) to bed, and Descartes and I are both healthy and our credit is still good.

Christmas! Christmas! Christmas! Part One Orange County

Our family has successfully traveled the length and width of the state, nearly, to celebrate Christmas with every family member on the left Coast.

We journeyed to Southern California...a harrowing 10 hour tour complete with rain, a sixth-month old who is teething and wanted to be nursed every twenty minutes for the first 250 miles of the trip, a very patient, and surprisingly flexible autistic big brother who tried throwing toys VERY far out the door of the car at each stop (as if we were going to let him get out and run to fetch them)...and fog on the Grapevine that slowed traffic to about 10 miles an hour between spurts of 70 miles per hour. Very scary that part.

We arrived at The Balboa Bay Club at 5:36. We had dinner reservations in the nice "coat and tie" part of the club at six. Somehow we managed to get Jake an ironed outfit, the Mom into a holiday dress, the dad into a coat and a tie AND pants that fit comfortably, babyLucy nursed and dressed in her Christmas dress...and make it into the restaurant by 6:15. Not bad. I think. We were able to see my neighbors from childhood, even Julie who was making a Left Coast appearance.

Jake didn't make it all the way through dinner. It was a lot of stimulation for those of us without "special needs". He was a trooper though. He finished his dinner, but before even our appetizers could arrive he really needed to go to bed. Descartes graciously said he would retire with Jake (I'm sure the lure of removing his tie helped him make the decision). We sent Descartes' food "to go" to the room. Descartes noted later that Oysters Rockefeller is not a good item to go.

Easter Kisses

I was just about to write a few nice words about the fact that my little boy kissed me over this last Easter weekend.

My dear friend asked me if he puckered up.. I amswered "yes", becuase I guess I kind of thought he had, naturally.. but in truth, he didn't.
He did however place his little forehead against mine lean in and place his lips on my puckered lips.
Then I look around on some websites and find this paper on the web...of course I found information on the web..

In other news Jake has been biting the dogs... well we figured out what he was really doing, and it ties in to the kissing his mommy thing too. My kid loves to wrestle.. with mom, dad, the dogs, anybody. SO lately he has been wrestling with the dogs, and when they play, the dogs bite each other's ears and growl. So we think that's what Jake is doing too.

Emails from Mom

I got this email from my mom:

HOME IS A PLACE WHERE YOU KNOCK ON THE DOOR AND THEY HAVE TO LET YOU IN
LOVE, MOMMA

That was it. She sent it to me and to my little brother... so of course, this is what I sent back (to my brother)

HOME IS A PLACE WHERE YOU KNOCK ON THE DOOR AND THEY HAVE TO LET YOU IN...then they punch you in the head and you can't tell anyone.

HOME IS A PLACE WHERE YOU KNOCK ON THE DOOR AND THEY HAVE TO LET YOU IN...then they tell you that you are a bad child for coming home so late, early, etc.

HOME IS A PLACE WHERE YOU KNOCK ON THE DOOR AND THEY HAVE TO LET YOU IN... then they ask you to please fix the doorbell becuase it's been broken for nearly three weeks, and why don't you ever come to see your poor mother.

I'm sure my momma meant it very nicely. Or else she is just tired of us and so is writing in all CAPS again trying to get our attention. Who knows. We will all be together in a few weeks for a nice vay-k in Palm Springs. Should be beautiful and fun...and dare I say it, perhaps even relaxing?