Hope. Fail. Wish. Cry. Pray. Wait.

I was sent a prayer that was attributed to a Saint today, and of course I had to research it; please don't forward me stuff, seriously. As it turns out it was actually a New Age well-wish type thing, but in doing my brief research, I did find another prayer, and while I think I was a little embarrassed*** to post a prayer on my blog it spoke to me:

It was written by St. Teresa of Avila who lived in the 16th century:

Let nothing disturb thee. (Nada te turbe)
Let nothing frighten thee. (Nada te espante)
All things pass away. (Todo se pasa)
God never changes. (Dios no se muda)
Patience attains all things. (La paciencia todo lo alcanza)
He who has God lacks nothing. (Quien a Dios tiene nada le falta)
God alone suffices. (Solo Dios basta)

And today it spoke to me, because it feels like there are so many things out of my control in my life right now. I have a little, or even a lot of input into each, but the final way things go is dependent on someone else, and I do not like that feeling. I want to shape or fix or make happen Jake's fall placement for school, my precocious daughter's defiant behavior, my husband's need for a challenging career, the ever-growing amount of paperwork, the budget cuts, my son's toilet training, our summer camping trip, the amount I pay Verizon wireless each month.

When I visited a possible new school for Jake last week I had an amazing feeling of hope and

optimism for nearly 24 hours, from the time I made that appointment in the afternoon, then the next morning through the interview and the visit to the classroom and the entire drive home. I felt buoyant through phone calls and emails... until I got an auto-response from the Director of Special Ed saying she was out on vacation (and therefore unable to give approval for Jake to be evaluated by the school).

My day was so carefree. It was shocking how much I got done the night before that visit, how pleasant nearly every moment was, how much easier it was to deal with a pile of dirty dishes, or a child who would not go to bed. Everything felt smooth and shiny. I was saddened to figure out just how much Jake's development and school placement has been weighing on me. That it weighs on me every day and impacts everything I do. I also realized that people who don't experience this feeling really do have different lives, which I like to pretend isn't true. It must be so much easier to go through life like that. I almost remembered that feeling I used to have when Descartes had just finished business school and we were newly married and I had this fantastic career thing going (one that paid me): I used to be invincible. And then that damn auto-responder kicked back that out-of-office message and I was left again with that sinking feeling. And again our fate is left to someone else, no matter how many emails I write, I don't get the final say.

I just got an email from another possible placement who welcomes me to visit the school but warns there are no Fall placements available, because of course this is all so last minute.

back to my other business now... wish me luck with the patience part.

***I don't think it's a secret that I consider myself a Christian, that I have taken a few leaps of faith, and have even officially joined a church (thanks sister :)), but I think sometimes I am embarrassed by faith because I cannot pin it down or prove it with science. I want to have faith, so I choose to, or I try to be open to receive that gift, but it doesn't always sit well with me, and sometimes I am also quite convinced that I am just a bunch of cells waiting for apoptosis. I am not one of those pray on the street types of people. I am not ever quick to think that I know the only way, at least when it comes to religion, and I am quite certain that, having made the choice to believe in a higher power, I am not the one who should judge others.. not who they love, or what they call their God, or how they pray or what they eat or the house they keep. As long as your beliefs don't harm me, or my children.. or your children (and that's a fuzzy line) then believe whatever you want, and let me do the same.

Thankful, In No particular Order

• Can I Sit With You? already has a beautiful review...from someone we don't even know.
• Everyone I know and love is safe and where they should be.
• All of my parents are alive and I got to speak with each of them today.
  
• My daughter figured out how to use a cookie cutter in 18 seconds flat.
• My son, even though he stayed awake until 3:30 am last night.. was so precious and even held my hand after he crawled into bed next to me.
• We had plenty to eat on our table today.. and yesterday too, and probably tomorrow and for the foreseeable future.
  
• I have a lot of family....they all love us, and our crazy kids, and they all want us to be with them on Thanksgiving.
• I have a husband who loves his mom and dad.
• My not-so-mini-van has a television in it. and seat warmers.
• The sunset from the deck of my in-law's home is unbeatable. Three bridges, San Francisco skyline, campanile, Alcatraz and the Golden Gate
• My sister and brother-in-law are flexible and love us even though we bailed on them for Turkey day.
• Sage and family take care of our dogs just about every single time we leave town (which seems to be often).
  
• Elections are coming so we can have some change and a feeling of hope in the country.
• I have amazing friends.
• I have just finished a bottle of champagne.
  

My Momma

my mom can't blog.. we used to fight about how she would always ask how to "cut" and "paste" in Word docs. I told her that she was going to live at least 40 more years and she should damn well figure it out.. so anywhoo she can't post a comment on my blog.. so she emails me... and I guess she must be reading my little words here because this is what she wrote:

i pray
i cry
i pray
i wash clothes
i pray
i email
my daughter blogs
I look in the mirror and I see my mother... i know that i'm not as smart as she...
my daughter is smarter than both of us...
i miss them both all the time... my life is so wonderful..... but there are so many things that make me sad... i can't change any of them.. i do the best i can.... i never feel like it is enough.... i miss my grandma... sometimes i take her old cooking fork out of the drawer and just look at it...
she would tell us .... it will get better, be patient
hell! she was always WASHING CLOTHES...!!!!!
I love you
momma

for as often as we fight and misunderstand each other, I get it. She knew I would get it when I had a daughter. Lucy makes me crazy. She is so demanding and smart and annoying and funny and crazy and she is into everything all the time and she never stops moving and she dances in the kitchen and so I kind of get it. Why I can get under my mother's skin like no one else (except maybe Gerard.. he is pretty remarkable that way).. why she can get under mine. But aside from all of the tears and yelling and talking and irritation and such.. I am my mother's daughter. I have all of her odd little habits, and some of her heart and concern for others. I have her nails and her hands for that matter, and her oh-so-tiny ankles (though she has never broken hers).

I have much more to say on this topic.. not to mention that I also have my stepMomster.. and in many ways I have become that mother's daughter too.. because they are more alike than either would like to think...if in no other way.. they both love me fiercely.. and I am lucky for that. Hard to breathe sometimes, but I am lucky just the same.

Grace, faith and words

so the other day I was somewhere on the web and there was a note to Blog about religion on Friday the 25th... shocking I missed it.. but here are my comments anywhoo...
**************************************
The list of things I pray for is short. While I know that God knows about every hair on my head (or the forty-odd scraggly ones which are left thanks to Lucy beating me up with crazy girl hormones, coupled with my lack of nutrition--see previous post on Candy hearts not being vitamins...) anyway, God knows about the hair. I still have not completely resolved my theology to think that I deserve much air time, so I keep my prayer list short.

Descartes has a hard time when I say things like "Please God, please let me get Jake's leg into this pair of pants before we both completely lose it". I think that he thinks I am "wasting prayer" on something stupid. Although he will admit he hasn't exactly worked out all of the kinks in his belief system; like whether he has one.

Not all of my prayers are prayers of petition. My prayers are prayers of thanksgiving mostly. I really, really am thankful most days for this exact life that I have.

Then the next day I don't believe there is anything more than today, this day, and I am merely a collection of molecules (all organic baby!) and religion is a social construct created by the collective human intelligence as a way to deal with seemingly important moral dilemma and the inevitability of cell death. (note to self:speak with Pastor about this juxtaposition of emotion).

But overall this is where I land. I am currently Lutheran if for no other reason than the fact that my sister, Demanda, signed me up (another story, another time...). I like the idea that this denomination of Christianity started as a rebellion of sorts. I mean any thing that starts with someone nailing a list of 95 theses on the door of the castle church basically saying, "uhm I don't think so", that's pretty cool.

salvation by God's grace alone--Sola Gratia
through faith alone--Sola Fide
revealed through scripture alone--Sola Scriptura****

that's the gist of the Lutheran theology

Grace, faith and words... pretty good things to boil down to.


****by the way I am "ELCA" Lutheran... for many reasons..but one distinction I note in particular is that ELCA (versus Missouri Synod) does not look at the Bible literally (Biblical inerrancy), but rather with a mind towards historical/critical analysis...which is much more my style.

spoiler alert

spoiler alert
if you do not want to spoil your dinner, do not read on about poop.

So there is one thing I thought I would NEVER do..and that is bribe with food. Not that our family isn't food-centric sort of automatically since that is one area Jake of life that Jake has mastered. It has always been a nice thing that every member of the family can bond over food with Jake.. but I really do not like it when parents bribe with food. I just don't get it. It sets up eating disorders and is not a sustainable model and attaches all sorts of weird thing to food that will then trigger the person their entire life...okay being melodramatic, but I really don't like it.

I have set all of my unfounded, biased, self-righteous, ridiculous opinions aside in the quest for Jake to be toilet trained. I broke down about two weeks ago and told him straight out. "If you poop into the toilet I will let you eat as much ice cream as you can in a sitting. I do not care if it is 8:30pm or 7 o'clock in the morning on a school day. If you poop into the toilet you can have ice cream".

Jake ate some ice cream today. I was not even home, but I had told Valerie, Jake's 1:1 at home (that's what I am calling her now, since he is not a baby, and she sure as hell never gets a chance to sit!)

She called me to tell me that she took Jake to the pot and lo and behold it was perfect timing..plop and the kid got to eat ice cream.

I went out and bought a gallon of the good stuff in anticipation of great things.

************

Bringing Home Baby

So my little sister is in Wichita right now. Which it ta. Wichita.. Never been there myself. Probably will never have a reason to go there. I am hoping I don't. Not because I don't like the people there. On the contrary. It's because if I ever go there it is probably because my sister needs my help with some court obligation, and that will mean that something has gone awry in the adoption process.
My sister is bringing home my nephew. The newest addition to our extended family. It has been a long time coming home. He was only born a few days ago,but we have been waiting for so many years. I know he is their child, but we have all been praying and hoping and wishing and waiting. I cannot imagine her mind if mine is this crazy. We are all so excited. I have wanted to cry "alldee time always". and then some.

Camping in Carmel

www.saddlemountaincamping.com

well, we are off today to camp with the family in Carmel Valley. Hopefully Jake won't run off. At least the dogs will be at home... Normally I worry... we are going to lose a kid or a dog. I think this time I will just lose my mind. Jake didn't sleep last night, and he seemed a little overwhlemed by his cousins (both girls, both super smart, both very active)

Prayer is the only thing that is going to get us through camping.. oh, and valium. Yes valium. and wine... (but never together of course)