31 July, 2008

Where's that Damn Mask?

So this has been a rough week for me. More rough than normal. Jake has had migraines every day and he's out of school, and therefore not following his usual routine, so he's basically been out of sorts, and throwing himself around and crying a lot and whining and whining. And Lucy is struggling with sleep issues having a difficult time letting her body rest when her mind is still active (OMG she is so my daughter!) And of course Jake's aide has been amazingly late or absent.. even though I have begun anticipating her tardiness, the not showing up on Monday followed by the 1.75 hours late on Tuesday was just more than I could have possibly accounted for. And we are leaving for a camping trip with the in-laws and I am doing most of the meal planning, purchasing and cooking. I still need to make two quiche and a birthday cake today.

I had friends who needed help this week with their kids and I couldn't do it. I know I am not responsible for everyone else all the time, but most of the time I try so very hard to help other people out because I really, really know that feeling of needing help. And this week I couldn't offer it to anyone else, because I am barely okay myself.

On Tuesday and Wednesday nights, after my children were tucked into bed I proceeded to escape my house and my life. Tuesday drinking and hot tubbing and singing along with music so loudly that the cops paid us a visit, and last night out in San Francisco with friends from Business School most of whom don't have kids, sipping expensive wine in a swanky place co-owned by a guy from Barcelona. I drank too much both nights. I stayed out too late both nights.

This is a perfect example of me taking care of myself the wrong way.

I was so mentally exhausted when I started this week that I had no where else to go but down I think. I didn't help my friends, I didn't accomplish anything around the house or do anything very fun with the kids because I couldn't count on the babysitter. I just haven't felt right all week long.

and then I remember that this is how I used to feel all the time. Jake, his episodes before the migraine meds and the Zoloft.. 52 days without really sleeping. This is how I felt for years. I looked gray. My joints ached. I felt old.

So while I am still tired and need to take care of myself by eating a little better and getting some good sleep and drinking even just a glass of water during the day, I know that this will all pass. I will be able to help someone else after I get my own mask on.
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