14 July, 2009

Hope. Fail. Wish. Cry. Pray. Wait.

I was sent a prayer that was attributed to a Saint today, and of course I had to research it; please don't forward me stuff, seriously. As it turns out it was actually a New Age well-wish type thing, but in doing my brief research, I did find another prayer, and while I think I was a little embarrassed*** to post a prayer on my blog it spoke to me:

It was written by St. Teresa of Avila who lived in the 16th century:
Let nothing disturb thee. (Nada te turbe)
Let nothing frighten thee. (Nada te espante)
All things pass away. (Todo se pasa)
God never changes. (Dios no se muda)
Patience attains all things. (La paciencia todo lo alcanza)
He who has God lacks nothing. (Quien a Dios tiene nada le falta)
God alone suffices. (Solo Dios basta)
And today it spoke to me, because it feels like there are so many things out of my control in my life right now. I have a little, or even a lot of input into each, but the final way things go is dependent on someone else, and I do not like that feeling. I want to shape or fix or make happen Jake's fall placement for school, my precocious daughter's defiant behavior, my husband's need for a challenging career, the ever-growing amount of paperwork, the budget cuts, my son's toilet training, our summer camping trip, the amount I pay Verizon wireless each month.

When I visited a possible new school for Jake last week I had an amazing feeling of hope and
optimism for nearly 24 hours, from the time I made that appointment in the afternoon, then the next morning through the interview and the visit to the classroom and the entire drive home. I felt buoyant through phone calls and emails... until I got an auto-response from the Director of Special Ed saying she was out on vacation (and therefore unable to give approval for Jake to be evaluated by the school).

My day was so carefree. It was shocking how much I got done the night before that visit, how pleasant nearly every moment was, how much easier it was to deal with a pile of dirty dishes, or a child who would not go to bed. Everything felt smooth and shiny. I was saddened to figure out just how much Jake's development and school placement has been weighing on me. That it weighs on me every day and impacts everything I do. I also realized that people who don't experience this feeling really do have different lives, which I like to pretend isn't true. It must be so much easier to go through life like that. I almost remembered that feeling I used to have when Descartes had just finished business school and we were newly married and I had this fantastic career thing going (one that paid me): I used to be invincible. And then that damn auto-responder kicked back that out-of-office message and I was left again with that sinking feeling. And again our fate is left to someone else, no matter how many emails I write, I don't get the final say.

I just got an email from another possible placement who welcomes me to visit the school but warns there are no Fall placements available, because of course this is all so last minute.

back to my other business now... wish me luck with the patience part.

***I don't think it's a secret that I consider myself a Christian, that I have taken a few leaps of faith, and have even officially joined a church (thanks sister :)), but I think sometimes I am embarrassed by faith because I cannot pin it down or prove it with science. I want to have faith, so I choose to, or I try to be open to receive that gift, but it doesn't always sit well with me, and sometimes I am also quite convinced that I am just a bunch of cells waiting for apoptosis. I am not one of those pray on the street types of people. I am not ever quick to think that I know the only way, at least when it comes to religion, and I am quite certain that, having made the choice to believe in a higher power, I am not the one who should judge others.. not who they love, or what they call their God, or how they pray or what they eat or the house they keep. As long as your beliefs don't harm me, or my children.. or your children (and that's a fuzzy line) then believe whatever you want, and let me do the same.
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