How the Past Comes Creeping In

Jake fell down the stairs tonight. He's okay. I heard him go down as I was standing in the kitchen speaking with my husband who is still at the office. Jake was still wearing his tennis shoes. This probably made him fall (because his rubber shoes stuck to the carpet when he dragged his left foot) and wearing shoes probably made it so he didn't break his neck as he fell (since his rubber shoes kept stopping him and slowing him down as he rolled).

How did it happen? Well, Jake was ready for bed and I wasn't listening...so he went down on his own. I had just opened the gate to the stairs to actually walk him down myself..but then the phone rang, and we sold the Mercedes (finally) so I was trying to coordinate logistics with the husband and stumble bumble down he goes. I flew to the top of the stairs dropping the phone and managed to see him roll down the last three stairs.

I got to the bottom landing just as he did (I think I really did fly). He jumped up. I sat on the bottom step and held out my arms. He leaned into them and put his head on my shoulder...for a brief second. I asked him if he was okay. He said "hmm-da" (which means? Anyone? Anyone?). Then he looked me in the eye and yelled at me. I apologized for not helping him downstairs.*

After getting him into pajamas, he was crying...with tears (this rarely happens..he must be very, very sad or tired or hurt to cry with tears).I pulled him up onto me in the rocking glider thingy. He is really too big now. Much too big, but somehow we managed to snuggle up and I just started to sing.

He nestled into me closer, put his head up to look at me, then dropped his head and sighed..and went to sleep. The song that popped out of my head was one of my favorite camp songs.

I went to Camp Nawakwa in the San Bernadino Mountains every summer from the summer after first grade until the summer after eighth grade... or maybe the next summer. I was a counselor in leadership training when I ended, staying five or six weeks I think. I remember I went with Stephanie Jaeger that last year. Anyway. I haven't sung this song in over 15 years, and all of a sudden it was the only song in my head. I wonder why? Was it because I needed comfort too and this song is from a time when I was safe, and unburdened? From a time when I still didn't know what I didn't know? Was it because I can't believe I now have this much responsibility...that I am old enough to have a nearly five year old kid fall down the stairs...in a house that we own? and be really shaken by it. I'm not sure. It felt good to hear that song again. I remembered most of the verses too.

On The Loose

Have you ever watched the sunrise turn the sky completely red?
Have you slept beneath the moon and stars, a pine bough for your bed?
Do you sit and talk with friends though a word is never said?
Then you're just like me and you've been on the loose

chorus (sung after each verse):
On the loose to climb a mountain, on the loose where I am free
On the loose to live my life the way I think my life should be
For I've only got a moment and this whole world yet to see
I'll be looking for tomorrow on the loose

There's a trail that I'll be hiking just to see where it might go
Many places yet to visit, many people yet to know
And in following my dreams, I will live and I will grow
On a trail that's waiting out there on the loose

Have you ever heard a whippoorwill singing to the morning dew?
When you hear the bells ringing, do you know they ring for you?
And when you look back on the past, all I really ask
Is to remember me when you're out on the loose

So in search of love and laughter I'll be traveling 'cross this land
Never sure of where I'm going for I haven't any plan
And in time when you are ready, come and join me, take my hand
And together we'll share life out on the loose

As I sit and watch the sunset and the daylight slowly fades
I am thinking of tomorrow and the friendships we have made
I will value them for always and I hope you'll do the same
And forever we'll explore life on the loose

*as a side note I think that was a very typical response for anyone in our family. I fell (screwed up, made a mess of things etc.) and it is your fault for not supporting me. Can anyone take personal responsibility these days?

Global Rich List

Global Rich List

If you need to be reminded of all that you have try this website.
in the
WHY ARE WE DOING IT? Section of their website it reads:

We are obsessed with wealth. But we gauge how rich we are by looking upwards at those who have more than us. This makes us feel poor.

We wanted to do something which would help people understand, in real terms, where they stand globally. And make us realize that in fact most of us (who are able to view this web page) are in the privileged minority.

We want people to feel rich. And give some of their extra money to a worthwhile charity.

I do try to remember that there are more than 5,995,297,235 people who are poorer than I am. But I also live in an area where bread is $3.50 a pound and milk is $5.00 a gallon. Of course then I need to remember to be thankful because there is a store where I can buy the bread and milk.
I wish sometimes that I could really go all the way with the "poor me" thing...but apparently I was raised in a way that has instilled in me the idea that, if I actually wake up in the morning and can get my own two feet on the floor with a roof over my head, I should feel lucky. If I can add the fact that I also have clothing, food and my wonderful family, then I should really just ah-hem, shut it. Because my life is great.
And it is. My life is great. It's just that on some days it is so much harder than I thought it would be.
But today? Today is good, and I am very rich. My kid is cute and wrestling with the dog, my husband is off enjoying his new job, and I might even get some writing done today. I have CNN and a fast internet connection, warm coffee (with milk and sugar, no less)
and some sourdough toast if I ever get to the kitchen to toast it.

Autism Diva: Autism Hysteria History -January 2005

Autism Diva: Autism Hysteria History -January 2005

Okay, wait. Does My Kid have Autism or not?

DIAGNOSTIC CRITERIA FOR 299.00 AUTISTIC DISORDER
A. A total of six (or more) items from (1), (2), and (3), with at
least two from (1), and one each from (2) and (3)

1) qualitative impairment in social interaction, as manifested by at least two of the following:

a) marked impairments in the use of multiple nonverbal behaviors such as eye-to-eye gaze, facial expression, body posture, and gestures to regulate social interaction

b) failure to develop peer relationships appropriate to
developmental level

c) a lack of spontaneous seeking to share enjoyment, interests, or achievements with other people, (e.g., by a lack of showing,
bringing, or pointing out objects of interest to other people)

d) lack of social or emotional reciprocity ( note: in the
description, it gives the following as examples: not actively
participating in simple social play or games, preferring solitary
activities, or involving others in activities only as tools or
"mechanical" aids )

(2) qualitative impairments in communication as manifested by at least one of the following:

a) delay in, or total lack of, the development of spoken language
(not accompanied by an attempt to compensate through alternative modes of communication such as gesture or mime)

b) in individuals with adequate speech, marked impairment in the ability to initiate or sustain a conversation with others

c) stereotyped and repetitive use of language or idiosyncratic
language

d) lack of varied, spontaneous make-believe play or social
imitative play appropriate to developmental level

3) restricted repetitive and stereotyped patterns of behavior,
interests and activities, as manifested by at least two of the
following:

a) encompassing preoccupation with one or more stereotyped and restricted patterns of interest that is abnormal either in
intensity or focus

b) apparently inflexible adherence to specific, nonfunctional
routines or rituals

c) stereotyped and repetitive motor mannerisms (e.g hand or finger flapping or twisting, or complex whole body movements)

d) persistent preoccupation with parts of objects

B. Delays or abnormal functioning in at least one of the following areas, with onset prior to age 3 years:

(1) social interaction
(2) language as used in social communication
(3) symbolic or imaginative play

C. The disturbance is not better accounted for by Rett's Disorder or Childhood Disintegrative Disorder

Vaccination Fascination

Jake just had all of his shots for kindergarten on Thursday. We also did a TB test just in case San Mateo County would like to see that he is not hacking up a lung.

While we were at his 5 year appointment I spoke to his pediatrician about the whole vaccination fascination. I have looked at all of the tests. I have researched my child's actual vaccines by batch number.

Basically I think I need to send a letter to John Stewart (like this clear thinking woman did) I saw the actual interview.

Robert F. Kennedy, Jr is a little this, a little that. I need to read more about him, but I am guessing he went from nature to mercury to vaccines. What a nightmare. I am a mom who does not point my finger at vaccines. I wish I could be a conspiracy theorist... it would make my angst so much easier to direct, but alas, I have actually read quite a bit of the data (ironically enough found straight from links on DAN websites touting the theory) and have researched...I'm just not convinced that that many people could really conspire on such a widespread level. I always find it amusing that the same people who spew that the CDC and NIH did not conduct their tests in a scientific manner are

A)not scientists (although neither am I).
B) are the same people who use anecdotal evidence to support chelation therapy and various other diets to cleanse their children of Autism.

eBay Motors: Mercedes-Benz : 400-Series (item 4564918041)

I finally listed the Mercedes Benz. I will be so sorry to see it go. It is such a stealthy fast car

Poor, Poor Scott McClellan

I am pretty sure the song for the day was
that little diddy from Dead or Alive

You spin me right round, baby
Right round like a record, baby
Right round round round

You spin me right round, baby
Right round like a record, baby
Right round round round

This is an actual excerpt from the White House Press Briefing regarding, among other things Mr. Karl Rove
Read the entire text (words before and after...what follows is uncut)
Press Briefing by Scott McClellan:
James S. Brady Briefing Room
12:44 P.M July 13, 2005 EDT

MR. McCLELLAN: ...And with that, I'm glad to go to your questions.

Q Scott, some White House advisors expressed surprise that the President didn't -- did not give a warm endorsement to Karl Rove when he was asked about him at the Cabinet meeting. They had expected that he would speak up. Can you explain why the President didn't give a -- express confidence?

MR. McCLELLAN: Sure. He wasn't asked about his support or confidence for Karl. As I indicated yesterday, every person who works here at the White House, including Karl Rove, has the confidence of the President. This was not a question that came up in the Cabinet Room.

Q Well, the President has never been restrained at staying right in the lines of a question, as you know. (Laughter.) He kind of -- he says whatever he wants. And if he had wanted to express confidence in Karl Rove, he could have. Why didn't he?

MR. McCLELLAN: He expressed it yesterday through me, and I just expressed it again.

Q Well, why doesn't he?

MR. McCLELLAN: He was not asked that specific question, Terry. You know that very well. The questions he were asked -- he was asked about were relating to an ongoing investigation.

Q But, Scott, he defended Al Gonzales without even being asked --

MR. McCLELLAN: I'll come to you in a second. I'll come to you in a second. Go ahead.

Q Yes, he defended Al Gonzales without ever being asked. (Laughter.) Ed brings up a good point. Didn't he?

MR. McCLELLAN: No, I think he was asked about the Attorney General.

Q Scott, you know what, to make a general observation here, in a previous administration, if a press secretary had given the sort of answers you've just given in referring to the fact that everybody who works here enjoys the confidence of the President, Republicans would have hammered them as having a kind of legalistic and sleazy defense. I mean, the reality is that you're parsing words, and you've been doing it for a few days now. So does the President think Karl Rove did something wrong, or doesn't he?

MR. McCLELLAN: No, David, I'm not at all. I told you and the President told you earlier today that we don't want to prejudge the outcome of an ongoing investigation. And I think we've been round and round on this for two days now.

Q Even if it wasn't a crime? You know, there are those who believe that even if Karl Rove was trying to debunk bogus information, as Ken Mehlman suggested yesterday -- perhaps speaking on behalf of the White House -- that when you're dealing with a covert operative, that a senior official of the government should be darn well sure that that person is not undercover, is not covert, before speaking about them in any way, shape, or form. Does the President agree with that or not?

MR. McCLELLAN: Again, we've been round and round on this for a couple of days now. I don't have anything to add to what I've said the previous two days.

Q That's a different question, and it's not round and round --

MR. McCLELLAN: You heard from the President earlier.

Q It has nothing to do with the investigation, Scott, and you know it.

MR. McCLELLAN: You heard from the President earlier today, and the President said he's not --

Q That's a dodge to my question. It has nothing to do with the investigation. Is it appropriate for a senior official to speak about a covert agent in any way, shape, or form without first finding out whether that person is working as a covert officer.

MR. McCLELLAN: Well, first of all, you're wrong. This is all relating to questions about an ongoing investigation, and I've been through this.

Q If I wanted to ask you about an ongoing investigation, I would ask you about the statute, and I'm not doing that.

MR. McCLELLAN: I think we've exhausted discussion on this the last couple of days.

Q You haven't even scratched the surface.

Q It hasn't started.

MR. McCLELLAN: I look forward to talking about it once the investigation is complete, as the President does, as well. And you heard from the President earlier today.

Q Can I ask for clarification on what the President said at Sea Island on June 10th of last year, when he was saying that he would fire anybody from the White House who was involved in the leak of classified information? What were the parameters for those consequences? Was it --

MR. McCLELLAN: I appreciate your question.

Q Was it a knowing leak with the intent of doing damage? I'm just wondering when he talked about that, what those parameters were?

MR. McCLELLAN: Again, I've nothing to add on this discussion, and if we have any other topics you want to discuss, I'll be glad to do that.

Go ahead, David.

Q Scott, when the President asked that question at Sea -- was asked that question at Sea Island, and, in fact, when you made your statement that Karl had had nothing to do with this, was there an ongoing investigation at that time?

MR. McCLELLAN: Again, we've been through this for two days now, and I've already responded to those questions.

Go ahead, April.

Q I'm going to give you another --

Q I'm sorry, I wasn't here yesterday, so could you refresh my memory? Was there an ongoing investigation --

MR. McCLELLAN: The briefings are available online.

Q -- at the time that you answered previous questions on this issue?

MR. McCLELLAN: Again, I responded to those questions the past couple of days. Go ahead.

Q The answer is, yes.

Q I'm going to go to another question, somewhat on the same subject, but a different vein. Let's talk about the Wilson family. Is there any regret from this White House about the effects of this leak on this family?

MR. McCLELLAN: We can continue to go round and round on all these --

Q No, no, no, no. This has nothing to do with the investigation. This is about the leak and the effects on this family. I mean, granted there are partisan politics being played, but let's talk about the leak that came from the White House that affected a family.

MR. McCLELLAN: And let me just say again that anything relating to an ongoing investigation, I'm not going to get into discussing. I've said that the past couple of days.

Q This is not -- this is about -- this is a personal -- this is not about the -- I mean about the investigation. This is about the personal business of this family, an American family, a taxpaying family, a family that works for the government of the United States. And the executive branch -- someone in the executive branch let this family down in some kind of way, shape, or form. Is there any regret from the White House that this family was affected by the leak?

MR. McCLELLAN: It doesn't change what I just said.

Go ahead, Goyal.

Note from Descartes to the Family

Hello All-
Since I am never home in time to call everyone before it is very late in your timezone I decided an email was the best means to let everyone know of our big news. It looks like there is going to be another cousin on the way! Jake's little brother or sister is due mid-June and we are very excited at our house.

We had our first ultrasound and everything looks good so far. Jennyalice has been feeling pretty good. She only got sick once when she tried to drink a large coffee. I myself am starting my sympathy snacking as a measure of my support.

Oh Cry Me A River...It's just Kindergarten

I am recovering this week. It is official, my little boy is going to kindergarten in the fall. This is a rite of passage.

We are grieving.

First of all, I do think it is fine that he goes on to kindergarten. He is a very big kid. According to the CDC Growth Charts He is the size of a seven year old. Also.. he will be 5 years old in October, not really a question for the cut-off. The hard thing is that I thought we had another year of preschool. When the director of the school asked me to come to the kindergarten transition meeting, I thought it was to show support (I am the PTA president.. scary huh?) Then I realized she wanted us there because we were transitioning. In truth that is what is really happening. Jake doesn't care if he goes to kindergarten. I mean, of course he will miss his teachers and paraeducaters at ECE, but he will probably be thrilled to hang out on a campus with a bunch of "typical" kids and kids who are bigger than he is.

I was very angry when I found out, at what felt like the last minute, that he was not going to have another year of preschool as all of our friends had. Mostly, I realized that I was just not prepared. I apologized later to the director for my curt behavior. I never go into something unprepared. Even when I am unprepared (which I truly often am) I go in knowing what I haven't done. I know what I don't know. So if I haven't written a speech, at least know I will need to wing it (not generally a problem for me to talk now is it?)

This time I was really, really not ready. I hadn't done my research, I didn't know what questions to ask, who the players were. Okay, let's keep in mind that this is transitioning a special-ed kid into a new special-ed classroom, probably staying at the county level. This is actually nothing close to brain surgery, or the quagmire that many of our friends face as they decide which is better, the German School or the French school or should the kid stay in public school? This is just one kid, but I was unprepared.

Mostly I was unprepared for the grieving. I understand intellectually that Jake is a special needs child. He will probably be in a special day class at the county level for years, if not forever. I am intimately aware of his functional delays; and yet, here we are, about to send our child to kindergarten in the fall. Did I think he was going to be "better" by now? Hmmm. I guess somehow, at some point, some small kernel must have formed in my head that he really was going to "snap out of it".

This is an inside joke in our family. Just like "he has a touch of CP"...and well, we haven't come up with one about the autism thing, because maybe hasn't been "officially diagnosed as autistic. We should really get on that, in case we need it; I know that piece of paper is coming soon.

Basically I am crushed. I knew it was coming. I knew that he was not going to walk to the local school for kindergarten. I knew that he would not, as I had, be reading books before his first day, that he would not probably help choose new clothes to wear to school, or help me write his name on his notebook. I knew that.

When you have a child with special needs, you grieve a little bit all of the time, and a lot a bit some of the time. Maybe there are people who are better than I am. Well, I'm sure of that, but I know there are those parents who think their special needs kid is "God's precious gift". I know they are out there. I have met them with their nicey-niceness. Yeah, well, my kid is certainly a gift, but I still think he would be special if he could sing me the alphabet song. And besides, aren't all kids God's precious gift? Or just the ones who wait until they're nearly three to walk?

Sorry. I am sad. That's it. Because we have reached another rite of passage, and once again it is not what we expected. And I wasn't prepared to grieve yet. I thought I had a whole other year to prepare myself for that feeling. And please, don't even tell me about Holland. Please.

I'll be okay, Jake will be fine. This is no big deal. Now taking him to the dentist next week...that is going to be a big deal.

letter endings and salutations

letter endings and salutations

So am I a weirdo that I was looking for a new way to end a letter? I kind of like Matt Maldres collected list so far...

"I'm compiling a list of endings to letters/emails. Can you think of any more?
* goodbye
* sincerely
* later
* God bless
* Godspeed
* take care
* love
* talk to you later
* best wishes
* kind regards
* with love
* yours sincerely
* yours faithfully
* yours truly
* yours ever
* yours respectfully
* hope to hear from ya soon
* onward and upward
* peace
* smell ya later
* later alligator
* cheers
* salutations
* shine on (my fav)
* May I always live to serve you and your crown

Matt Maldre's site is pretty cool. He is a "a 32-year-old Christian designer in Chicago." He puts up new stuff every day.


Here are my own additions to the salutations list:

• fondly
• with fondness
• humbly
• with thanks
• adoring you
• always
• sitting and wondering
• grateful for your friendship
• wishing I could do more
• already looking forward to next time
• raising a glass to you
• lost without you
• waiting patiently
  

*******

In other news my kid is going to kindergarten in the fall. Okay that is a LOT longer story than I have to write right now. Let me just say that I rarely go into anything unprepared, and this one came as as SHOCK. Oh well. He will love it. Who am I kidding. He is a 4 1/2 year old with a two and a half year old mentality stuck in a 7 year old's body. (Really he is the size of an average 7 year old white U.S. male)

So he is going to love going to school at a K-5. Right? He is. he IS. I was really thinking that he was going to have another year of preschool. One of the reasons "they" have for moving him on to kinder is that he is such a big kid and so many of the new three year olds are so tiny. I am a little bit thinking this is not my problem and has nothing to do with my child's educational needs. On the other hand I really would hate it if Jake squished someone. Someday he is going to be 6'5". What will we do then? Okay cannot go there now. Too much.. my fuse box is about to burst into flames.

And right now, my monster is not feeling well, so he is cranky and rolling about his room throwing his pillows. Lovely.