How did it happen? Well, Jake was ready for bed and I wasn't listening...so he went down on his own. I had just opened the gate to the stairs to actually walk him down myself..but then the phone rang, and we sold the Mercedes (finally) so I was trying to coordinate logistics with the husband and stumble bumble down he goes. I flew to the top of the stairs dropping the phone and managed to see him roll down the last three stairs.
I got to the bottom landing just as he did (I think I really did fly). He jumped up. I sat on the bottom step and held out my arms. He leaned into them and put his head on my shoulder...for a brief second. I asked him if he was okay. He said "hmm-da" (which means? Anyone? Anyone?). Then he looked me in the eye and yelled at me. I apologized for not helping him downstairs.*
After getting him into pajamas, he was crying...with tears (this rarely happens..he must be very, very sad or tired or hurt to cry with tears).I pulled him up onto me in the rocking glider thingy. He is really too big now. Much too big, but somehow we managed to snuggle up and I just started to sing.
He nestled into me closer, put his head up to look at me, then dropped his head and sighed..and went to sleep. The song that popped out of my head was one of my favorite camp songs.
I went to Camp Nawakwa in the San Bernadino Mountains every summer from the summer after first grade until the summer after eighth grade... or maybe the next summer. I was a counselor in leadership training when I ended, staying five or six weeks I think. I remember I went with Stephanie Jaeger that last year. Anyway. I haven't sung this song in over 15 years, and all of a sudden it was the only song in my head. I wonder why? Was it because I needed comfort too and this song is from a time when I was safe, and unburdened? From a time when I still didn't know what I didn't know? Was it because I can't believe I now have this much responsibility...that I am old enough to have a nearly five year old kid fall down the stairs...in a house that we own? and be really shaken by it. I'm not sure. It felt good to hear that song again. I remembered most of the verses too.
On The Loose
Have you ever watched the sunrise turn the sky completely red?
Have you slept beneath the moon and stars, a pine bough for your bed?
Do you sit and talk with friends though a word is never said?
Then you're just like me and you've been on the loose
chorus (sung after each verse):
On the loose to climb a mountain, on the loose where I am free
On the loose to live my life the way I think my life should be
For I've only got a moment and this whole world yet to see
I'll be looking for tomorrow on the loose
There's a trail that I'll be hiking just to see where it might go
Many places yet to visit, many people yet to know
And in following my dreams, I will live and I will grow
On a trail that's waiting out there on the loose
Have you ever heard a whippoorwill singing to the morning dew?
When you hear the bells ringing, do you know they ring for you?
And when you look back on the past, all I really ask
Is to remember me when you're out on the loose
So in search of love and laughter I'll be traveling 'cross this land
Never sure of where I'm going for I haven't any plan
And in time when you are ready, come and join me, take my hand
And together we'll share life out on the loose
As I sit and watch the sunset and the daylight slowly fades
I am thinking of tomorrow and the friendships we have made
I will value them for always and I hope you'll do the same
And forever we'll explore life on the loose
*as a side note I think that was a very typical response for anyone in our family. I fell (screwed up, made a mess of things etc.) and it is your fault for not supporting me. Can anyone take personal responsibility these days?