28 February, 2010

While You Were Out...

So apparently the world does keep turning, even when I am not on Twitter, FaceBook and every other form of social media on which my moniker aspires to perch. I lost some followers, but since I don't even like that word it doesn't bother me much.

My family is on the mend too. February was a blur of illness and fever and snot, and for me it also included my first nebulizer, steroids and some heavy duty antibiotics.

Sage reminded me that probably the best lesson I could possibly learn from being sick for 25 days is to learn how to ask for and accept help. This is a big one for me. When I ask for help I feel like I am failing, like I am letting everyone down, and I hate that feeling.

I am grateful that my closest friends don't wait for me to ask them for help, and they jump in and shuttle my kids, cover my work, make me dinner, buy me groceries and call to check in on my feverish little self. I chose well, and I'm so glad they chose me back.

What is interesting to me is that I love helping people. It pleases me when I can make someone else's life easier, so why can't I just accept help...especially in the beginning of a problem so it doesn't spiral out of control later? I think I actually know part of the answer...Jake.

I feel like I am going to have so many BIG THINGS I need help with in life that I sort of don't want to use up all my chits asking someone to pick up two rolls of paper towels from the market for me. When Jake stepped on a three inch nail, I needed someone to take care of my daughter right there at that moment, and I had that in two minutes. I guess I don't ever want that feeling like "Oh I just asked her to do this little thing and that thing, so I don't really want to ask again for this."

Now I know I have close enough friends now, after being a part of both this special needs and the greater community, that I really could ask for just about anything and someone would help me. I know an amazing, powerful, get it done bunch of people, and yet I am loathe to ask for help. Even when someone is offering, and it's easy and they are already there, in the store, I feel like I am being lazy, or not self-sufficient. And even as I write this I sound like a ridiculous martyr.

Yeah, I know.. get over it. And I'm trying. I am.
and I really want to thank my friends for taking care of me and feeding my family here, and thank you, dear sister, for taking care of my sick husband and my babyGirl for those 3+ hellish days. Descartes could not have asked for a better nurse, and it is a darn good thing I sent those two to Tahoe, because I probably would be dead if I had tried to take care of Descartes that weekend too.

This morning Descartes got up with "all those children".. I have not slept so soundly in a hundred million years, just 1.25 hours past when I would normally get up, and I felt so much better. Sadly I think I get my best sleep between 5:30 and 7:30; these are also the hours when I have been nursing, or getting children ready for school for nearly 10 years. Oh my God ten years.

We took a hike this afternoon, not a long one, but just long enough for me to realize that I didn't do much walking for the past month. Jake did such a great job. He walked the entire time without dropping to the ground once or trying to run away. He held Descartes' hand the entire time up and down some steep hills. We went about a mile round trip, which may not sound like a lot, but when you have a kid with cerebral palsy that you don't think will ever walk.. it is life changing for our family... and yes, Lucy hiked in a princess dress, and heart-covered tights and pink converse with multi-colored stars. We were quite a sight.

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