10 May, 2008

Regret

I haven't been posting much lately. Twitter has been fun (see right hand bar below) but in general I think I have been very down on myself about how I am helping Jake.. or rather not helping Jake become the little boy we think he can be.

I am constantly tortured by how annoyed I get. How I lose my patience. How I must hire someone to do tasks with him that make me sad and frustrate me and keep me from caring for the rest of my family. I watch other women with their kids, all the things they do to help their kids grow, and I feel a constant, ever constant feeling that I am not doing enough. That I am in fact not doing anything but waiting for time to pass. My feeling of regret for time lost, for therapies untried, looms over me until I can barely breathe, let alone write down what I am feeling.

I am so ashamed that even this outlet can't hold it all. I have the very best of friends and I can't even bring it up because I am so scared they will actually say out loud how disappointed in me they must be. I guess it's time for therapy.

or at least time for me to read Dear Abbey... who I variably read or don't read since I rarely get to a newspaper lately, but this morning I glanced at her Q&A and saw a line that I will keep in my back pocket "regret is the cancer of life".

Is there chemo available?
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