20 March, 2007

Ah Montana.

It flattens out in lilac waves. sunsets and sage and the bare brush. It is a smell, a chill, a sunrise met with joy. i am complete.

I feel small, as if for once I am not responsible for everything. and yet at the same time I feel like I am truly a part of every living thing on the planet.

I feel the presence of God when I am there. and in the clear skies. as if I may be heard. as if my voice and prayers might resonate and fly up from the scrub unhindered.

Mostly I feel alive. i feel like myself genuinely true: my own true self.

I feel enveloped with both the care and nonchalance that true friendship breeds. I am easily passed over by my peers’ eyes and yet my every move is carefully and exactly measured…but only in that my comfort is guarded, and my soul fed.

It is not about a vacation from everything else.
It is about a journey to me.

It would be helpful if it were closer. Surely my manna could be served within a few hour’s drive. It is the time and distance which separates it from the everyday that gives it host proportions.

My reservoir is low. and somehow the grey skies over the treeless landscape quench a thirst my everyday suburban life cannot whet with its six-pack carbonated ways.

I am the master of all cynics, and as I drive away and on towards Big Sky, my suit of armor is shed. I use the notion throughout the year to clothe me, swaddle me, until I must don heavier and heavier coats of first soft then thicker shellac. Shells to aid me through my days.

To feel the breeze unencumbered. To wake at first light by choice and retire after deciding that I have had my share of shooting stars. This is Montana.

Mostly it is you. reminding me of how I once was. That I was beautiful and smart and funny and fun and filled with hope and life. Reminding me that that I only thought I knew heartache then.

This heart, my heart, if only it could be filled in my many stop-lit town. But it is healed in ghost towns, and along highways with no speed limits.

Ah Montana
I am not missing a state. I am missing a state of mind.
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