In the Making

myGirl at about 6 months

She's seven. Seven. and I can't imagine that she is already seven and that she is only seven because she is both my little baby, in a pink onsie covered in a Sock Monkey print, and she is this spunky, punky, vivacious, perfectly wonderful being, who is wholly a person apart from me.

Her sense of humor is sharp, but not mean-spirited, and so often perfectly timed that I wonder if I might hear the roar of a live, studio-audience behind me. Sometimes I can't even laugh because I am so surprised by her wit, and so proud that she is carrying on the family desire to make others smile. And, honestly, I love that I can tease her, because that is my natural state, and it makes parenting her easier.

She has learned to find humor when she could be very sad, or irritated, or exasperated. When her older brother walks fully-clothed, and shoed through her freshly filled blow-up pool, tracking mud and dribbling rocks, she admonishes her brother for getting his good shoes wet, not for ruining her swim party. When it was discovered that 19 of 20 fish in her tank had died overnight (another post entirely), she looked like she was going to cry, then pointed to the last fish, and said in a low voice, "Mur-dur-er. Murderer!" She stomps her feet when she doesn't get what she wants, and begins to whine with a tone that tears at my eardrums, then stops, centers herself, and drawing her hand from face to chest calls, "Aaaand SCENE!" and thanks her audience.

She loves dolls, well, as of right now she loves dolls, and while I do not understand it, because it is so unlike how I played as a child, I am trying to appreciate it because I know it will go away, just as her round baby face has already begun to turn oval. Her taste in entertainment has her singing songs beyond her years with lyrics that her precious head automatically makes into child-like phrases, and she devours new trends, encouraging our car filled with little girls on the way to wherever, crying out, "Tonight is the night, we’ll fight 'til it’s over..." and lifting up her arms they all sing, "So we put our hands up like the ceiling can’t hold us. Like the ceiling can’t hold us!"

She is grateful most of the time, polite when she is away from us. She cares enough to be dressed appropriately for the event, but can let it go and run out the door without wondering what people will think. She has a sense of fashion that exudes confidence, she wears camo and pink like she invented them both, and was undaunted by a cast she wore for six weeks this year.

She's sensitive, and is deeply moved by precious babies, perceived oppression, and the idea of loss; her pain in having her best friend move to the other side of the planet was palpable to anyone who witnessed her talking about it.

She meows sometimes, a little bit like how a friend of mine says "woof," which worries me some, but only because I am not fond of cats. She loves to cuddle up each morning, and still finds it amusing to hide in our bed, and surprise her dad waiting under the covers if she can sneak in while he leaves the room. She loves the drama of "the big reveal" of almost anything, and applauds others' efforts even when she wanted something else to happen.

She understands that where we put our time and our money shapes who we are, knows the names of the states in alphabetical order, and, as much as I can't stand it, still requests to watch America's Funniest Home Videos. Her thirst for media is rarely quenched, and her brain has trouble shutting off at night. Somehow she can still be soothed by my voice, singing softly in the dark; it humbles me.

She likes to know what information is fact, and which is opinion before deciding anything, which sometimes wears her out. and she carries too much sometimes, chasing issues that are not problems for her to solve. But she is made of the best parts of us, and in her unbroken, seamless state, she remains filled with a persevering light.

 ***

Happy birthday babyGirl. You are my best favorite.

Where Are you Going My Little One?

My daughter, my baby, turned six yesterday.

She is beautiful and kind and quick and loves to curl up sweetly in my arms to start the morning. Each day I am equal parts terrified and delighted to be her mother. I know I will mess up a lot. I have already expected so much from such a small person, but she rises to the occasion, and I suppose, ultimately, so have I. She makes me rethink my inner core and calibrates my moral compass like no one else I know... except perhaps her brother.

And she loves her brother so much. She cares for him, she cares about him, and she cares about his future and the futures of his friends and classmates. Though she is always aware, and works hard to support his needs, she gives him only enough room to provide for disability, and after that she bickers with him as any other sibling pair might do. They fight over blankets in the car on road trips, and she saves half of almost anything good she has so he can have some when she gets home. The natural and easy way she accepts differences by not bothering to mention them unless she doesn't understand something, makes me have hope for her generation that there will be more tolerance in every way. She doesn't stare, she says "Hello."

She loves to drive in her Daddy's car, begging him to take off the roof of the Jeep, and sings along with the cranked up music, asking him to take the long way. She picks up jingles from television, and sings them too, with a rock star voice.. .who knew that the insurance commercials could sound so powerful? And when she's watching tv, she understands marketing, thinks that little girls should look like little girls, and not minitature grown ups, and knows to say "Can you add this cool toy to my list?" instead of flat-out asking for it.

She's not boring. She can carry a conversation, and knows who the president is, and about reproductive rights, the importance of voting, and with her proclamation: "You should be able to love who you want to." it's clear she supports equal rights for all when it comes to marriage, raising children, and living life. She has a crush on the boy who has long wavy brown hair, but has some thoughts about living with us for a long time. She's not yet sure she wants children when she grows up, and has thought about going to University locally (ahem, that would be Stanfurd). Her only thoughts on "leaving us" are to get a cool house with her brother to help him out.

She can be counted on. When there are times I urgently need her assistance with something because I don't always have enough arms to keep everyone safe, she makes it clear that every talk we've ever had is stored in her head, and she remains calm and helps exactly as she has been taught to. She always locks the gate behind her.

She is too much, over affectionate, loud, bouncy, "on fire"...she is a cross between Tigger, and me, I suppose, with a dash of initial reserve that is just enough to remind me that she is my husband's child too. She mostly puts all of her energy to good use, and though I wonder who she is when I'm not around, when we got a note sent home from her after-school care it included an award:

For being wise beyond your years, listening to others, and seeking not only to be understood but to also understand others.

I am trying to remember that she will only be this small now, and she is already taller every day. When she lies down in the tub, her hair streaming out like a mermaid, I can't help but notice that her feet touch the other end, and in another month or two she will need to bend her legs to to try to get that calm of peaceful floating. We'll need to find another place where she can feel light like that, because I want her to carry that feeling with her as she grows up and has more responsibilities.

*******

My precious girl, I love you more than all the leaves on all trees that 

have ever been and ever will be, and then I love you more. 

You are my best-favorite.

Happy Birthday.

Snapshot of myBoy

Jake had a most successful ride on the boat this weekend. Happy and snuggled next to me, comfortable (enough) in a life jacket, and following all the rules. He had a smile on his face nearly the entire ride, and was very happy. It means there will be many beautiful summer days ahead cruising around the lake with family and friends. And we are thrilled any time we can add another fun activity that is multi-generational and/or multi-family. I was very relieved, and it got me thinking about how much Jake has grown and matured in the last six months. When I went to look through the posts here to read his last birthday post I realized I never actually posted it. So here is a snapshot of Jake from October 2011. 

******

Jake turned eleven a few weeks ago, and before another moment goes by I want to remember a few moments of him at this age.

He has trouble sleeping. Often he will fall asleep early in the evening, then wake up from 9-12 and wander around his room, laughing, playing with toys. If you go to his room he will run to his bed and pull the covers up over himself, but tap the bed to encourage you to sit awhile. He still loves it when I sing to him, and he'll let me pet his hair again after many years of not being able to be still. He lets me share a pillow as he tries to fall asleep.

He's always loved the beach, then he loved the shoreline, and now we've added water. First he jumped into the deep end of a friend's pool (like all the other pre-teens there), then he went in the lake, then in another pool, and another. He's not as stable as he'd like to be, but he will hold hands without clenching me too tightly, and he loves it when all four of us were together splashing in the water.

He eats the rest of my lunch that is sitting on the counter, the minute he walks in the house after school. Then he waits at the counter tapping his fingers until I serve him another snack. He's rail-thin, and constantly moving. His hollow legs fill up with an hours-worth of snacks until I can bear no more and force him into the backyard to play. When I turn my back he walks around the kitchen until he finds the one food that was not "put away" -a pear. He takes a big bite, laughs and throws the pear onto the counter before slipping outside to play in the afternoon sun.

He can get in and out of most cars now by himself. Motor planning has never been easy, but he's got it now. And he can "scootch over" in a booth--if he wants to. The more his body cooperates, the more brainpower he can use on other things.

Given the chance, he will sneak down the stairs and crawl out the dog door. It's a game now for him to see how fast he can get out there..will we leave a gate open? will we leave the dog door unlocked? will the door to the hallway blow open in the breeze allowing for his escape? Once he gets out he yells and laughs very loudly so I will know he's there, but I know he's there. No matter how much I try, I am always 45 seconds behind him, which is just enough time to get outside and make mischief.

He greets guests now, and says goodbye too, in his own way.  A brief pass by and a gentle brush of his hand across your arm says hello, and more regularly he will walk you to the gate as you leave. It's possible he's just waiting for you to leave it open behind you, but he quite often will stand at the gate until your car drives away. He cares that you've been here.

On a day that's too hot or too cold, I ask him to settle in on the couch and watch a show-- and he does. He loves Mythbusters. I used to think it was fluke, but he will come in and sit on the couch if he hears the voices of Jamie and Adam. If the tele switches over to record a news program he leaps off the couch to find something else to do, or slides the remote control across the floor towards my feet.

He can take handful of cereal out of a box on the counter without spilling the entire box onto the floor; not every time, but most of the time. Regardless of his success rate, he's trying, and I think he sees the benefit; the more careful he is, the more independence he gains. And independence is what any eleven-year-old boy craves.

He's gained so much maturity in the last year. I really feel like he is taking the time to connect to us, which is probably because we are trying to do a better job of listening to him, however he is communicating. More than ever, we are offering him choices whenever we can, rather than assume what he wants, even if I know what the answer is probably going to be, because he deserves to have his opinion heard.

He is closer to being a young man than being my baby now, I know that, but I am thankful he still has some of that little boy sweetness left--just enough clings to his hair that I can remember his tiny baby face when I kiss him good night in the dark.

Ten, Ten, Ten

When my brother Gerard was little, and learning to count, he and my dad would slowly count together. One to five would be drawn out and slow, six and seven even-paced, but right about eight, and certainly after nine, they would make a sudden race for ten, and together they would nearly shout "Ten! Ten! Ten!"

and that is just how I am feeling as this day rolls around, and my first child, the boy who made me a mother is ten. Ten. Ten!

It's cliche to say it all goes by too fast, and in our case I don't think it's always true. Some days, even a year can fly by, but other moments are so weighted with importance, or joy, they seem to be almost outside of space and time.

He went on his first road trip when he was three weeks old, to go to my cousin's wedding. He slept on a wing chair, wrapped up like a little burrito.

He is getting tall these days, taller than his dad was at that age I think, and though he has puppy feet, nearly too big for his body, his movements are smoother as he gains more control, and more awareness of his limbs. 

He ate an entire papaya and chicken quesadilla at the Mai Tai bar in Oahu when he was only ten months old. Later that year, the chef came out to see the baby who was eating the wasabi mashed potatoes at the Four Seasons in San Francisco.


He has a great sense of humor, and a laugh that is infectious. My favorite is when he giggles so hard that he has to take a big breath. He stands still to let his little sister tickle him, and will come over to the couch for a family tickle match.

The first time he held his own cup and took a drink, we were at an Indian food restaurant and he was more than two years old. 

He moves so quickly it's hard to believe doctors thought he'd never walk, and he loves to test adults by pretending to meander before he breaks into a full run towards any exit that has been left open.

He took his first steps across our living room while he was yelling something at us. We couldn't understand him and he was so frustrated he got distracted and walked seven steps. 


He likes to be outdoors. I think he would be happiest on 40 acres; a place with a grove of shimmering trees, and a small brook with pebbles lining its banks. His love of nature inspired our AdventureVan purchase, and his love of the AdventureVan inspired our cross country journey this summer. He is a road-trip, roadside diner, let's-just-pull-over-here-for-the-night type of kid; his flexibility amazes me.

He went to sleep-away camp for the first time the summer he was five. As we drove away and watched as he ran off smiling and laughing down a leaf strewn hill forcing his counselor to chase him. 

He's showing an interest in technology, gently touching the screens at home on devices, and using the mouse at school to get through stories he likes on the computer. I love the sibling dynamic as he tries to grab the iPad or iPod from his sister and laughs as she shrieks to keep her hold.

He got into the car by himself last week, no physical prompts at all, and when we went home he went in through the gate without holding hands, and without running away.

He is affectionate, and more and more often he leans in to show his desire to be near you. His wordless gestures teach me that my body language, my movements, the spirit I carry through my home is often more influential than my words.

He got out of bed when I passed by his room tonight. He gently touched my arm before he turned and ran back to his bed. He buried himself in the pillows laughing.

******

Happy Birthday sweet boy.

This Would Make A Great Reality Show

The premise: Without getting divorced, or running off the road, between June 3 - June 16, can you...

• Plan three birthday parties for an almost four year old? Remember to include the guest list, the menu planning and any communication surrounding these parties.
• Wash all the slipcovers and pillow covers from two couches?
• Research, then buy, then install a room air conditioner?
• Take apart the entire dishwasher, wash all of the pieces, make a repair and put it all back together and have it still run?
• Butt your nose into the planning of your 20th high school reunion, send out a survey, then breathe a sigh of relief when the other organizers use the data you collected and take back over the planning?
• Answer 40 emails about reunion any way?
• Go to Costco three times and Safeway six times?
• Break down all the cardboard that has been collecting at your house since January, get it in the car, drive it down the hill and leave it for pick up on the correct day/week of the month?
• Work 18 hours a week at a "real job" with deadlines 6 days a week?
• Cry over a dead router/modem?
• Research, install, reinstall, call tech support, give up on tech support, then reinstall successfully a new modem/router?
• Have your husband out of town for 6 out of 10 days?
• Take your kid to swimming lessons?
• Watch a sappy movie about a puppy with your nearly four old, because life is short and she will only be a kid this one time who wants to snuggle and watch sappy puppy movies?
• Attend a benefit for a really great therapeutic riding ranch?
• Launch an amazing new project "The Thinking Person's Guide to Autism"
• Take your special needs son to the dentist where he undergoes anesthesia and subsequently must be watched for 8 hours so he doesn't fall down on his face.
• Buy your birthday girl a new outfit for her birthday, lose it somewhere in the house and find it again in time for her party?
• Forget that your special needs son who had dental work last Thursday is up all night, each night for at least a week after anesthesia, and cries easily?
• Clean out your mini van?
• Pick up the dry cleaning and wash all the black socks you can find in time for your husband to pack for his business trip?
• Attend an end of the year party for room one at the preschool.
• Clean out the refrigerator?
• Prepare the house for five family members and their one elderly dog?
• Remember to send a Father's Day Card to one of your dads who is traveling out of the country?
• Put together any items you will need in August for a cross-country road trip on an RV?
• Pay the bills?
• Do all of the kids' paperwork for March, April and May?
• Clean out your closet?
• Drive to another city to pick up a prescription for your snk's narcotics, then drive to two pharmacies to get the prescription filled?
• Feel like a failure because you can only see one way your daughter is going to be able to take cupcakes to school, and that's if Safeway makes them?
• Order a sheet cake AND a Belle princess cake at Safeway while you're there, because if you are taking the easy way out you may as well make your life really easy?
• Sleep at least 4 hours each night?
• Drive without falling asleep each day?

Surprise! Seriously? Yes Seriously

My sister rocks. I have an awesome husband... and in case you were wondering, I also have some very fun and lovely friends.

I actually was surprised on Friday night. Now I don't want to be cynical or anything, but I am not surprised very often, not by bad behavior, people who steal my wallet, traffic, weather changes, or poopy diapers as we are walking out the door. I have learned to anticipate almost every single one of life's little disasters because they all happen to our family, every single time they can. So, you know, I am not surprised.

I am however, completely taken off guard when people a) like me b) do nice things for me without me being in complete crisis c) take care of me without me knowing what is going to happen next.

My sister Demanda managed to gather up some of my favorite women, and make a plan to go out on Friday night they all kept the secret! We picked them all up on Friday night in our AdventureVan and went to three of my favorite places.. all to celebrate my birthday!

I was supposed to have Demanda and Jaster and her boys for the night because I thought they were headed down to the OC and stopping on their way through. When she got here I kept asking her, probably more than 5 times if she was kidding; if perhaps there weren't actually three boys hidden in her suitcase or something. But no! She came all on her own, and said she had a surprise for me.. and [gasp!] I should go take a shower and look beautiful. I started to cry because I feel like I plan every single thing ever, and here was something fun that was going to happen and I was not responsible! I had already had a day filled with snotty noses and crying children and earaches and trying to work while my precious little Lucy climbs all over me and reminds me that I never play with her because I am always working. It had really been a fun day.

Then Descartes came home from work early, with champagne, my favorite thing in the world besides my family and friends. He popped the cork, poured me a glass and I ran downstairs and got gussied up. I even put on my new boots. I know they are so ridiculous aren't they? I love them. I had already secured a babysitter, thinking that we would just go to dinner downtown with my sister.

The three of us scooted on down to Savvy Cellar where we devoured some charcuterie and some [more] champagne. Then zipped back up the hill to get the first gal on the list. Yay!

Sage was waiting in her front window, and I immediately understood why she had tried to convince me earlier in the day to stop cleaning up for my sister and take a nap. Next, we went around the bend and picked up Strecks, which is really lovely, since she's a new friend to me this year. Her daughter was the very first person Lucy played with on the very first day of preschool. Those girls are total BFFs and I think Strecks is very cool. She's also a good liar because she asked if I wanted to go to Bingo night, when she knew that we would both be drinking up delicious wines instead.

Then we went all the way up the next hill, because apparently everyone I am friends with or related to lives off the side of a hill or a mountain... and picked up Squid and Jenijen. Squid of course is also a sweet deceiver because she tried to make all of these elaborate plans to maybe meet up for a drink, but you know "maybe she wouldn't see me" because she and Jenijen were going to be seeing Avatar (and here is where I stopped and spent about 20 minutes trying to turn a beautiful picture of Squid into an Avatar. Here is a tutorial if you are thinking about it yourself. I am not that cool, nor do I have that kind of time.)

We also scooped up Pollyanna (from up on her hill) who brought along with her a horrid cool birthday sash for me to wear. It read "Birthday Princess, and I was "required" to keep it on until I finished my first beer. There was a sparkly wand too! MaryMoore met us at the bar (she had driven from her hill too.. jeesh I am serious.. everyone lives on a hill).

We took over a few tables outside at The Refuge, one of my favorite places to go. Jaster, Demanda, Squid, Seymour, Descartes and I have all put a dent in this place before both together and separately, so it was sad that Jaster couldn't be there because hey... Seymour joined us too! We were kind of crunched into the table, so much that I couldn't even get up to kiss anyone goodbye (sorry Seymour), but it was a nice kind of cozy, and the beer is just so good. They no longer carry my favorite Allagash Curieux so I had to switch to a new one Koningshoeven Quadrupel, which was also heavy and delicious. We had all sorts of ales and eats. It was lovely and lively and there were cupcakes from Vanilla Moon which were really decadent and with so many flavors to choose from, made me feel like I was tasting wedding cakes all over again.

We wrapped it up and headed down the street to Cask. We lost Seymour and MaryMoore, but settled down with some red, white and champagne. It wasn't very crowded so we got a real chance to talk and laugh, and take a few photos. We closed the place, and our trusty driver, Descartes shipped our tired bodies around town, dropping ladies off on doorsteps.

It really was a lovely evening with great people and wonderful food and drink.

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

(All pictures by jenijen, unless she was in it, in which case I probably took it. There are more pictures coming...)