23 September, 2005

Stuck

I've never felt this way before. As difficult as this life with a special needs kid is, I have never felt so sad as I am right now. Jake has thrown four major temper tantrums today...or make that .. all day has been one big temper tantrum.

I don't think school is going well for him. He's increasingly frustrated by his inability to communicate (which is also a good sign). But he is really, really unable to handle going out.... doing errands, anything. Okay maybe it is just today, but lately it has felt like any time we want to go to dinner with Jake we are so miserable by the end of the interaction that we vow never to set foot in a restaurant again.

This is so frustrating because Jake loves to eat. It is the one skill he has always continued to develop right along with his peers. He has always been so happy to go to a restaurant and sit with mom and dad and eat... it started to get difficult about a year ago when he became more independent, and honestly, he makes a bit of a mess so sometimes it is tricky or costs us more in tips to take him out, but it has always been something our family can do together that is normal. Jake has eaten in some of the finest restaurants in California. And now.. just as all of his peers, other 5 year old, are gaining the ability to have table manners and actually sit still through a dinner...our kid can't do it. He just cannot sit there and eat without throwing things or running around.

Okay this has nothing to do with eating at a restaurant. The truth is..I just realized that I spend at least 18 hours a day at my house currently because Jake can't handle the outside world. Now some of that is sleep, but I am only able to accomplish things outside my house...and I mean out side of the house...even the front yard from 7:37-1:06. I suddenly for the first time in my life really, really feel stuck. I have always thought that if I just tried harder, worked harder, did better then I would be able to see my way out of any mess I had found myself in. Jake has been a different albeit sometimes difficult addition to my life, but I have never really felt like my life was permanently and unmovable different in all aspects than what I wanted. Some things different? Yes, but right now...right now it feels like every single thing I thought I would be doing at this point in my life is different than what I expected, harder than I ever imagined, and a lot more covered in crap than I expected.
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