Chances Are

In the middle of the night, I heard my daughter cough in her sleep and jumped out of bed. She had only coughed once, but that's all it took for my heart to race and a cold sweat to break out.  I rushed to open the door and fly down the hallway to her bedside, tracking in my head where my car keys, tennis shoes, and charged cell phone were. Could I call Jake's aide to come over at nearly three in the morning? Would Descartes and I both go the hospital? Should I call my parents now and let them know, so they can make plans to fly up, or should I wait for the prognosis from the hospital staff? Will we go to Stanford, or the closer, smaller hospital? What is the name of the one drug that helps a little bit in this case? How will I live without her? I cannot imagine our lives without her. Is my daughter wearing any pajamas?

I put my hand on her stomach and her forehead and I gasped, or choked on bile, or something that made me stop all of the decision trees in my head. She didn't have a fever. Cool soft skin on her little tummy and an unfurrowed brow, peaceful and healthy, and breathing quietly. Sleeping, without pajamas, through all of my worst nightmares.

Chances are slim that we were really exposed when we stayed one night at Curry Village while Jake was at his own camp. I know that the virus is very rare, but we are still in the window where we need to keep an eye on ourselves. Once it gets to the lungs the prognosis is not good, but for the night we were all still symptom free. Nope. No hantavirus tonight.

Just try to go back to sleep after that.

And as I lay there in bed trying to will myself to rest,  I sadly realized that I am always preparing for the worst. How much of my brain, I wondered, is spent doing all of that thinking behind my everyday thoughts, like an operating system that is taking up too much memory doing background tasks that don't seem to help my speed or accuracy in other parts of my life.

Does it make me a pessimist that I expected to find her in need of emergency attention? Does it make me pragmatic? Cynical?

I am filled with hope for my family, for my children, and our future, and I fully expect that we have so many bright, bright days ahead of us, but I am always equally preparing for every single bad thing to befall us. And perhaps that's what made me sad as I failed over and over to clear my mind; I think there are equal parts expecting joy and disaster... they are equal.

What is life like for people who are not on guard all the time? And was I always this way, or is this one of the 'skills' that I have picked up because without it we would already have lost Jake to an open gate or a knife in the sink or a car door left without the child lock on?

Jake is gaining new abilities every day lately. He is happy and engaged and laughing more. And he can now twist open a door knob almost every time he tries. He can even twist the knob and pull the door towards him, step out of the way, and then slip himself through the open door. It is exciting, and knowing that he is that much closer to more independence makes me proud, relieved, and grateful that in an emergency he might be able to exit a building safely.

And, it just added a need for increased vigilance for me.

That's the crux of it. Parenting is like that, with any child. We can't wait for those little babies to crawl, and the minute they do the floor needs to be clear of Legos, and marbles, and dog food, and maybe should be cleaned, but not with harsh chemicals. Their first steps and we install gates and put away glassware, and store the marble coffee table in the garage for a few years. 

If we had experienced typical development at our house, perhaps I would have calmly proceeded from one level to the next, then relaxed as new dangers appear, and previous ones become less problematic. But that's not how it rolled out at our house. Jake has always grown in bursts of knowledge and ability. He didn't crawl until he was five or six, but his first steps at age four came not one at a time.. instead he walked across the entire living room as if he had done it every day for years. He went from needing to be lifted into the car to scampering up on his own, seemingly overnight.

I am ever hopeful that he will learn the next thing that changes his life. We work to help him gain any skill he wants to develop, but I never know if today will be the day he masters the task. There is no practicing, it always seems that a switch is clicked on, and if I am not prepared for every skill to show up, every day, the consequences are grave. So each day I am equally filled with hope, and a bit of excitement waiting to see what he will be able to do next, and I am fearful that I will not have adequately prepared his environment to keep him safe.

I wish I could just revel a bit more, and worry a bit less. I want to believe my husband when he reminds me that we were not anywhere near the tent cabins those other people stayed in. I want my children's growth to be celebrated without a new list of concerns popping up in my head.

I'm going to try to tip the scale a little bit more to the 'expect joy' side, and clean out the part of my brain that is on guard all the time. I know I won't be able to let it all go, and I wouldn't want to, but perhaps I will take the advice I always give others:

It will all be okay, or it won't. And worrying about it won't change a thing.

A Little Rain Must Fall

I saw the piled boxes at the store, each one containing a pair of galoshes and a matching umbrella. I hate umbrellas. They just break, or the wind blows them the opposite way turning you into a flower bending in the wind, rain soaked and wilting. And when you've used an umbrella and arrived at your destination then you need to carry the umbrella around, or put it in some bucket at the door where it will most likely be stolen. They never seem to dry out, leaving wet marks on the seat in the car, or on the floor. Their drips of water make the entry way dangerous.

I remember liking umbrellas when I was little. Do you remember the clear ones that came all the way over your head and down to your shoulders, but you could still see? I always wanted one of those, and I'm not sure why I never got one.

So all of those things go through my head as I am standing there looking at cute fireman galoshes with red umbrellas, and black polka-dotted galoshes with a shiny matching polka-dotted umbrella. The pallet of items had just come in, but I know how these places work, and if you aren't there when the awesome thing comes through you are out of luck, so I stood there and decided what kind of mom I was going to be.

My daughter loves umbrellas, and galoshes. She loves matchy-matchy. She loves having the specific gear for an activity. She likes having things that are similar to the things her peers have. But all last year, I denied her having a stupid umbrella because I don't like them. I didn't see it as a necessary item for a 5 year old who never walks in the rain farther than the distance from the car to the classroom door, or our own back door. When I was in kindergarten I walked to school, but I still think I got a ride on rainy days. I did not see the point of starting some umbrella habit, when I could explain, and demonstrate the practicality of hats, which are both fashionable and functional, and can keep you warm and your head dry. I thought that her waterproof jacket and hat were plenty to get her through the misty mornings and occasional downpour.  So that's what we did last rainy season, we went by my rules.

And every chance that kid got she would borrow a friend's umbrella, even if it was just to walk across the playground, or five feet from her friend's coat hook to her own. I almost think that she was the only little girl who didn't have an umbrella of her own last year. Part of me was a bit smug thinking that I was raising this more practical and flexible child who knows that rain is just water, and it will dry. I thought that I had gotten away with something, and that my daughter was more mature having moved right on past that stage of little sets of things for girls that coordinate and fit for only one season.

Standing in the aisle of the giant store, air conditioning blasting, the rainy season more than four months away I thought differently; no longer feeling like I wanted to be practical. Instead I really, really, wanted to give her what she wanted, a matching umbrella and rain boots, because she is growing up so fast, and really, how many years are there left when she will want to look all that cute and buttoned-up, and so over protected from drizzle. I got a bit choked up thinking about how many things she just will never do again, which leads me right to the fact that we aren't having any more kids, so not only is it my daughter's last few years of this preciousness, but the last of mine too.

I vowed to have more patience. I promised to enjoy those things that she needs help with, like getting in and out of the Jeep, or putting on her bike helmet. I thought about doubling up on the singing at night, and reading one more book, every time she asks. I decided to buy her those little boots with the matching umbrella because she would love them, and I would get to have a sweet little girl for at least one more rainy season.

Scanning the boxes, I smiled, thinking how big her feet are already at a size 2.

Then a part of me was crushed-in, maybe forever, as I painfully realized that the boots only go up to size 1.

On Our Anniversary

You were a little boy when I met you, I know that now. With your black hair and shiny hazel eyes, you were young, we were so young, but you had already been through so many things that I thought you were very mature and just had a little boy face. I thought I was all grown up with my speedy car and running my own store, and living on my own never having gone back home after college.

I'm glad that you came home after school or I never would have found you. I am so thankful that California felt like home to you so that you came back to your family. I fell in love with your family first, you know that. Your Mom and Dad and how they loved you and your sisters, and the obvious way that you were a family who fought for each other and supported each other even on grumpy or tough days. You were so respectful of your parents, and they trusted your judgement and your choices; it never seemed like you needed to prove anything to them.

It wasn't hard to fall in love with you, but I'm glad that we were friends first and that I told you all of the stories that I never would have told some boyfriend. You know every twist and bad turn I have taken in my life, and you never let go of my hand when I told you those stories. You have always been a good listener, and able to withhold judgement, or at least you appear to be able to do those things, and maybe that's just as important. You see what is good in someone even as they reveal their failings. You see an individual's best intentions, and give so much room for people to succeed.

I liked waking up this morning and once again finding you there on our bed with too many pillows. After all of these years, no one has ever slept on the couch, or left, or run away, and with all of the frustration we've been through, and some sadness, and worry, and strain, my mind always goes to the wonderful things we've seen and done together, and can only hazily remember the disagreements. Maybe that's how I want to remember things, but mostly I think that's how it is. We are on this path together, and any of those harder times just gave us a better sense of direction for our future.

I trust you. You have so much integrity that I know it has put you at a disadvantage sometimes, but I am so thankful that time has not taken that away from you. Cynical, pragmatic, we've been though those months, but it is with great anticipation that I watch our life unfold before us. Even as we have watched relationships around us sour, or dissolve, or break apart in rocky crumbles, there has always been something that we have... we like each other.

I like you, and your humor, and your clickety-fast mind, and your strong hands. I love you as my husband, and treasure you as a father to our children, who have your same twinkly eyes.

Thank you for another year together. I would choose you again, and again.

I choose you now. I love you. Happy anniversary sweet man.

Scarborough on Autism

In case you're wondering, I'm pretty sure my son is not going to grow up to be a mass murderer. Thanks Joe Scarborough--it only takes one idiot to undo advocacy.

"You don't want to generalize," said MSNBC's Joe Scarborough, but that's exactly what he did when he said that James Holmes, the young man in custody as the Aurora, Colorado shooter,  was "on the autism scale."

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 "As soon as I hear about this shooting, I knew who it was. I knew it was a young, white male, probably from an affluent neighborhood, disconnected from society — it happens time and time again. Most of it has to do with mental health; you have these people that are somewhere, I believe, on the autism scale," said Scarborough, whose son has Asperger's syndrome. "I don't know if that's the case here, but it happens more often than not. People that can walk around in society, they can function on college campuses — they can even excel on college campuses — but are socially disconnected."

What compounds the irresponsibility of his statement is that Scarborough is the parent of an autistic child. So he managed in one sentence, one very publicly stated sentence, to make autistics out to be dangerous potential murderers, and make parents of children with autism look like asses.


Here is one autistic adult's perspective, her  open letter to the media:

I am an Autistic adult. In the wake of the tragic shootings in Aurora, Colorado, my community was sitting not only in the sadness that all such tragedies bring, but also in fear and anticipation that once again, we would be your scapegoat. Once again, you would start declaring that we and the killer had the same neurology before the bodies were even cold, before the initial tears had dried.And again, you did not disappoint. Again, you went to declare the killer mentally ill or Autistic before you even possibly had a chance to talk to anyone qualified to make those calls. Again, you cast yet another layer of suspicion on my community. Again, you made me someone to be feared.

It would be lovely if Scarborough could apologize in as grand a way as he made his first declaration, but news cycles don't really encourage apologies. It would be even better if he took the time to educate his viewers about autism, perhaps he could, I don't know, have an autistic on his show, or talk to one, like his own son.

A journalist, Mike Elk, who recently "came out" as autistic,  asked Scarborough to educate:

Hopefully, Mr. Scarborough will retract his remarks, as well as host a broader discussion on Autism to spell away the many stereotypes of Autism often spoken by non-Autistic people such as himself.

What message did Scarborough send his own son with his proclamation this morning? What kind of self-loathing is he trying to instill in his child? This kind of language and the stereotypes it perpetuates makes it harder for young autistic adults to move through daily life, it stirs up anxiety in every adult autistic that we have once again gone back two steps, or more, and it makes other parents guilty by association. 

It's easy to have a gaffe and I am all for allowing someone to apologize for something misspoken or said in haste. Talking heads are bound to make a mistake now and then, but then I was thinking, I'm a parent of an autistic child, and I know many autistics, and it did not occur to me at all to diagnose the shooter with autism. Troubled? Yes. Disturbed? Of course, but autistic? Really? Where did that even come from? Because someone said he was a loner? The fact that Scarborough "knew who it was" is so troubling and disturbing, because it leads me to believe that this is not a gaffe in any way, not a "whoopsie" but fundamentally the way he thinks. 


and that, to me, is dangerous.


Sign the petition that Rachel Cohen-Rottenberg created demanding a retraction.  

Other people, other posts:
Emily Willingham:  Mental illness, autism, and mass murder, or why Joe Scarborough needs to shut up
Lydia Brown at Autistic Hoya: All I Want to Do is Weep
Jess at Diary of a Mom: Dear Joe
Lydia Brown The Dangers of Misrepresentation
David Cullen The Unknown Why in the Aurora Killings
ASAN Statement
Caroline Miller at Child Mind Institute James Holmes and the Downside of Amateur Diagnoses

Busy Days of Summer

What a great week at the Lake house. Happy, tired kids and happy tired parents. Someone told me I looked rested today, someone else said I looked like I'd been "hiking or something." All I know is that I had a great time.

We had Sage and her family come up for a few days, and while I didn't manage to get a picture with all the kids together,  they got to do lots of things that they like. We went swimming at the beach, and went out on the boat and identified a rare bird for our neighborood. Jake got to chill on our hike, dribbling pine needles and rocks through his hands on the trail that used to be the train bed for the railroad that was built to supply the workers at Hetch- Hetchy.

 Kids and grownups scrambled all over boulders and only one foot of one adult, and one foot of one child got wet in the fun. Not bad. There were very few scuffles amongst the kids that were not resolved in under 5 seconds, and every single one was caused by Lucy being in someone's space. If ever there was a child who wanted a big sister it's Lucy. Thank goodness we have so many close family friends who will be able to step in to that role over the years.

Jake wore a hat. Woot! This is something we've been encouraging for the last two years, and it is really feeling like we can almost call it a success. With a history of melanoma in the family, it's especially important that we do what we can to protect the kids' skin. He lets me put sunblock on his face now too. Those ears get sun blocked every day, rain or shine!

Lucy got to drive around with the roof open on Daddy's Jeep. Even better when Descartes went back to the Bay area for a couple of days I got to drive around in the Jeep with the music and the sunshine and the bluetooth connection, and the awesome handling of the car, it is really hard not to smile the whole time you are driving that car... especially if you are driving it in to Yosemite because Oh My there is so much there right above your head.



I took the kids in to Yosemite by myself on Monday when Descartes went back to the city to work for a couple days. It was exhausting and awesome. Being responsible for little people all by yourself a long way from home with no local safety net is apparently something that gives me a bit of anxiety. It also made me feel powerful, strong and very cool. I'm sure driving with the wind in my hair and sun on my shoulders helped me get through. Did you know I am younger, more beautiful, and always recycle when I am in that car? Did I mention that we love the car?

Lucy asked me to take a picture of her where she is holding up the biggest rock ever. I think she got these crazy photo ideas from Mali and Iz. I will be studying how to get proper forced perspective shots so we can get them over with. By the time I take her to Pisa I want to be able to get that cool shot with her kicking over the Leaning Tower.

Lucy is loving being a little Junior Ranger. In fact, when asked to wear a hero costume to camp past Friday she chose her ranger outfit with hat and vest, because she thinks Park Rangers are like "heroes for the planet." This is one endeavor I do not mind indulging so that means a pin purchase and stamps from the ranger stations in our little passport book. It's been a learning experience for all of us, because as it turns out I did not know that garbage that you might find in the National Park that is over 50 years old should be treated as a historical items. So congratulations all you hippies who left your soda cans in the campground, they are now artifacts!

We explored an area new to us in the Yosemite Valley, the Happy Isles Nature Center. Most of it was very wheelchair friendly, and we were able to park about two miles closer with the disabled placard making the actual hiking part possible. We've been very good about asking Jake if he wants to walk or ride. I forget sometimes that his low tone means that he really will be tired and might not even be able to walk well towards the end of the day.

He and Lucy have both been pretty good sports given each of their limitations. She's only 6, and her little self gets tired out seemingly out of the blue. I think her blood sugar drops and she just plummets. She goes from greatest kid ever to, uhm, not the greatest kid ever. We can fix that most of the time with something from the bottomless snack bag that goes with us wherever we go.
There is so much to see and do, and there are all of those animals and birds to check out, I'm not sure that we will ever get tired of this beautiful place. It doesn't hurt that there is pretty decent pizza and if we stay too late, there's that awesome, inexpensive all-you-can-eat buffet in the evenings in Curry Village. We even discovered that the Pizza Deck has good beer (and commemorative glasses!) I'm not much for Hefewisen, but on a hot day at altitude it sort of hit the spot.
There was an Independence day barbecue, which included an airshow, and music, and many multi-generational families. The world is small, so of course the table next to us had a family that had retired to the Lake from my hometown, and the father had worked with special needs children in his first years of teaching. His daughter went to my rival high school. And there were many people who just stopped by to say hello to Jake. What was nice is that they all said hello to him before they said hello to me. Jake thought the tiny pony was pretty funny but chose not to pet him.

We did a lot of boating on the lake. This kind of cruising makes Jake very happy. He happily wore his life jacket and made me feel at ease enough to sip wine. Some days we took the boat out once in the morning and again for a wine and cheese cruise. It is such a luxury, and I cannot thank my husband enough for his ease on the water, parking the boat, picking us up on other docks. He makes it all look so easy. For the big celebration we entered the boat parade and while they don't give out a second prize, apparently we would have won it. It was supposed to be an historic event, so my darling husband bought hula-hoops and we went for the gold with Olympics 2012. That's the London Eye and Big Ben. We also had a cauldron and the Olympic torch. Little Lucy yelled "GO USA!" for about an hour. We had no colored paint for anything, so if you'd like to know how to make latex house paint go from beige to slightly not beige we don't really know the proportions, but it took coffee grounds, coffee, soy sauce, and a dash of Worcestershire. Pathetic, but very fun. Big Ben is very textured, and smells just plain odd.

Jake went back to summer school and has had positive reports filled with happy sounds and "cooing" as his teacher told me today. Lucy is settled into a new camp where she swims every day, so that little fish is happy and completely over tired by 4:30pm. I am trying to get back to work after weeks of sketchy Internet service. And Descartes and I are both trying to get back to a world where beer with lunch is not normal, and there is no ordering two-for-one pina coladas for me.

Tomorrow is music in the park which we all enjoy, and it just makes me feel all the more thankful because it seems every city in which I rest my head, is a pretty awesome place. Cheers!

Dispatch from Another Planet

I'm in an internet cafe in Mexico. It' not so surprising that I might be traveling, because our little family has done all sorts of great travel, but I'm here by myself. Well, not by myself, but without my husband and my children.

I miss them. It's hard not to because I have a funny husband, and cool kids who make me laugh a lot. We get along, for the most part, about most things, and we have a great time together. Just last weekend, for Father's day we took off up the coast and visited the Point Reyes National Seashore, adding another National Park to their list. We had the top off the Jeep and the music booming and there was singing and laughing and oysters and there was fog and sunshine, and a good time was had by all.

I'm also having a very lovely, and I might even say, a relaxing time being responsible only for myself for a few days. Of course I'm looking out for my girlfriends, because that's what you do when you travel with other people, but when it comes right down to it, I'm just me on this trip.

Stories slip out of my mouth reminding people that I have other roles, wife, mother, daughter, sister, but those people aren't with me, so no one walking by has any idea that my daughter is over 4 feet tall, and my son often uses a wheelchair, that my husband can build anything with those gigantic meat-hook hands. I'm just a blonde lady, who apparently almost looks my own age, when I have had enough sleep.

I've decided it's good for me to get away from my "every day" sometimes. I don't think I need to go to Land's End every time to get that same feeling, but I think it's hard to gain perspective when you are just so close all the time. Being a little more disconnected from teh interwebz hasn't hurt me either. Not reading what virtual strangers think about me has been a nice break, even if some of their ruminations show me in a kind light.

So I am off for a day of adventure with some wonderful, fun, compassionate women. Later I'll have some fruity drinks and watch the sunset, and before I know it I will be back to 'real life.' But for today, this is my real life, and I'm really happy.


************
Thank you, precious husband,  for holding down the fort, and coordinating all of the people of our awesome village who are helping us care for our kids while I am gone. I am a very grateful woman.

Where Are you Going My Little One?

My daughter, my baby, turned six yesterday.

She is beautiful and kind and quick and loves to curl up sweetly in my arms to start the morning. Each day I am equal parts terrified and delighted to be her mother. I know I will mess up a lot. I have already expected so much from such a small person, but she rises to the occasion, and I suppose, ultimately, so have I. She makes me rethink my inner core and calibrates my moral compass like no one else I know... except perhaps her brother.

And she loves her brother so much. She cares for him, she cares about him, and she cares about his future and the futures of his friends and classmates. Though she is always aware, and works hard to support his needs, she gives him only enough room to provide for disability, and after that she bickers with him as any other sibling pair might do. They fight over blankets in the car on road trips, and she saves half of almost anything good she has so he can have some when she gets home. The natural and easy way she accepts differences by not bothering to mention them unless she doesn't understand something, makes me have hope for her generation that there will be more tolerance in every way. She doesn't stare, she says "Hello."

She loves to drive in her Daddy's car, begging him to take off the roof of the Jeep, and sings along with the cranked up music, asking him to take the long way. She picks up jingles from television, and sings them too, with a rock star voice.. .who knew that the insurance commercials could sound so powerful? And when she's watching tv, she understands marketing, thinks that little girls should look like little girls, and not minitature grown ups, and knows to say "Can you add this cool toy to my list?" instead of flat-out asking for it.

She's not boring. She can carry a conversation, and knows who the president is, and about reproductive rights, the importance of voting, and with her proclamation: "You should be able to love who you want to." it's clear she supports equal rights for all when it comes to marriage, raising children, and living life. She has a crush on the boy who has long wavy brown hair, but has some thoughts about living with us for a long time. She's not yet sure she wants children when she grows up, and has thought about going to University locally (ahem, that would be Stanfurd). Her only thoughts on "leaving us" are to get a cool house with her brother to help him out.

She can be counted on. When there are times I urgently need her assistance with something because I don't always have enough arms to keep everyone safe, she makes it clear that every talk we've ever had is stored in her head, and she remains calm and helps exactly as she has been taught to. She always locks the gate behind her.

She is too much, over affectionate, loud, bouncy, "on fire"...she is a cross between Tigger, and me, I suppose, with a dash of initial reserve that is just enough to remind me that she is my husband's child too. She mostly puts all of her energy to good use, and though I wonder who she is when I'm not around, when we got a note sent home from her after-school care it included an award:

For being wise beyond your years, listening to others, and seeking not only to be understood but to also understand others.

I am trying to remember that she will only be this small now, and she is already taller every day. When she lies down in the tub, her hair streaming out like a mermaid, I can't help but notice that her feet touch the other end, and in another month or two she will need to bend her legs to to try to get that calm of peaceful floating. We'll need to find another place where she can feel light like that, because I want her to carry that feeling with her as she grows up and has more responsibilities.

*******

My precious girl, I love you more than all the leaves on all trees that 

have ever been and ever will be, and then I love you more. 

You are my best-favorite.

Happy Birthday.

Proud to Be the Crazy 'B' on the Bus: Just Say Something

the cashier: Diapers eh? Expensive. I bet you can't wait until they are out of those.

me: Yes, we'll be rich. Uh, I have a special needs kid, so it may take awhile.

Oh, that's hard.

Yes, mostly for him. He gets frustrated. But he's doing great. He's a great kid. He goes to the Amazing Autism Wunderskool.

Oh, autism.  Is he high or low functioning?

Well, those terms really aren't very accurate.

Oh?

No. For example, there are some autistics who will go to college, but may still have trouble putting their shoes on the correct foot. I have a friend like that. Does that make sense?

Yes. I get it.

My son has a lot of trouble with communication. He's non-verbal, so that makes it more challenging for him to communicate his wants and needs.

Huh. I have a neighbor. He's about 30. He lives with his parents. He's very severe; lots of grunts and sounds.

That sounds like my kid. I say "profound" instead of "severe."

Yeah, profound. Well he rides the same city bus I do, and there were some high school kids on the bus too, and they were teasing him. I told them to knock it off, and they did, for that ride. But the next time we were on the bus it happened again, so I stood up and yelled at them. I was probably a little more agitated than I had to be, but it made me so mad. They had no right. He's a great guy and they have no right. We go to the same pool, and you know, when he's there he is just so happy, splashing and laughing. He makes us all have a great time. Then those kids go and tease him, so you know what? I let 'em have it.

Wow, well thank you for standing up for him.

Well the bus driver thanked me too, but I didn't do it to get thanked. I just had to do it. It doesn't take much you know, it doesn't take much to just say something.

The bus driver told me that those kids call me 'the crazy old bitch' now. But I figure it's worth it. I'll wear that name like a badge of honor.

They don't tease that young man any more.

Snapshot of myBoy

Jake had a most successful ride on the boat this weekend. Happy and snuggled next to me, comfortable (enough) in a life jacket, and following all the rules. He had a smile on his face nearly the entire ride, and was very happy. It means there will be many beautiful summer days ahead cruising around the lake with family and friends. And we are thrilled any time we can add another fun activity that is multi-generational and/or multi-family. I was very relieved, and it got me thinking about how much Jake has grown and matured in the last six months. When I went to look through the posts here to read his last birthday post I realized I never actually posted it. So here is a snapshot of Jake from October 2011. 

******

Jake turned eleven a few weeks ago, and before another moment goes by I want to remember a few moments of him at this age.

He has trouble sleeping. Often he will fall asleep early in the evening, then wake up from 9-12 and wander around his room, laughing, playing with toys. If you go to his room he will run to his bed and pull the covers up over himself, but tap the bed to encourage you to sit awhile. He still loves it when I sing to him, and he'll let me pet his hair again after many years of not being able to be still. He lets me share a pillow as he tries to fall asleep.

He's always loved the beach, then he loved the shoreline, and now we've added water. First he jumped into the deep end of a friend's pool (like all the other pre-teens there), then he went in the lake, then in another pool, and another. He's not as stable as he'd like to be, but he will hold hands without clenching me too tightly, and he loves it when all four of us were together splashing in the water.

He eats the rest of my lunch that is sitting on the counter, the minute he walks in the house after school. Then he waits at the counter tapping his fingers until I serve him another snack. He's rail-thin, and constantly moving. His hollow legs fill up with an hours-worth of snacks until I can bear no more and force him into the backyard to play. When I turn my back he walks around the kitchen until he finds the one food that was not "put away" -a pear. He takes a big bite, laughs and throws the pear onto the counter before slipping outside to play in the afternoon sun.

He can get in and out of most cars now by himself. Motor planning has never been easy, but he's got it now. And he can "scootch over" in a booth--if he wants to. The more his body cooperates, the more brainpower he can use on other things.

Given the chance, he will sneak down the stairs and crawl out the dog door. It's a game now for him to see how fast he can get out there..will we leave a gate open? will we leave the dog door unlocked? will the door to the hallway blow open in the breeze allowing for his escape? Once he gets out he yells and laughs very loudly so I will know he's there, but I know he's there. No matter how much I try, I am always 45 seconds behind him, which is just enough time to get outside and make mischief.

He greets guests now, and says goodbye too, in his own way.  A brief pass by and a gentle brush of his hand across your arm says hello, and more regularly he will walk you to the gate as you leave. It's possible he's just waiting for you to leave it open behind you, but he quite often will stand at the gate until your car drives away. He cares that you've been here.

On a day that's too hot or too cold, I ask him to settle in on the couch and watch a show-- and he does. He loves Mythbusters. I used to think it was fluke, but he will come in and sit on the couch if he hears the voices of Jamie and Adam. If the tele switches over to record a news program he leaps off the couch to find something else to do, or slides the remote control across the floor towards my feet.

He can take handful of cereal out of a box on the counter without spilling the entire box onto the floor; not every time, but most of the time. Regardless of his success rate, he's trying, and I think he sees the benefit; the more careful he is, the more independence he gains. And independence is what any eleven-year-old boy craves.

He's gained so much maturity in the last year. I really feel like he is taking the time to connect to us, which is probably because we are trying to do a better job of listening to him, however he is communicating. More than ever, we are offering him choices whenever we can, rather than assume what he wants, even if I know what the answer is probably going to be, because he deserves to have his opinion heard.

He is closer to being a young man than being my baby now, I know that, but I am thankful he still has some of that little boy sweetness left--just enough clings to his hair that I can remember his tiny baby face when I kiss him good night in the dark.

Remember Me

I just retold a story to a friend about a life-changing incident that happened to me when I was five years old. It is so vivid: my little blonde curly-headed self standing there in the driveway next to my blue bike with the pink flowered banana seat. We didn't have helmets then, and I had already shed my training wheels. It was a sunny afternoon, like almost any other afternoon in Southern California, but that one conversation shaped part of who I am permanently. It is something I think about almost every single day, sometimes multiple times in a day.

One conversation when I was that young and those words, and what I did, those words inform my character and actions every day. I am 40 now, with a lifetime of education, and conversation and yet ten minutes, 35 years ago changed me, and for the better. I could have learned the lesson another way, farther down the road, but it made life easier for me having that knowledge early-on. And I am so grateful.

I won't tell the whole story because I know who reads this blog, or might read this blog, and telling the story out loud, here, would change it, and it would read the wrong way, and sound self-aggrandizing, but there is something that struck me as I shared the story privately.

What will my children remember?

I realized that I can remember so many details about what happened, and what was said. I remember being flush with shame, and wanting to take back what I had done, even if no harm had come of it. And I got a good look at how a face crumples when someone is disappointed in me. Then I realized that my daughter is almost 6, and if I can remember being that age, she will too. And my son, well, he's eleven and a half, so it's pretty clear that when he writes his memoirs I am in trouble.

The words I say, my actions, my goals, and the way I celebrate or despair, my kids are watching all of it. What imprint am I making? Am I giving them the right lessons to lean upon when they're 40?  And what am I leaving behind after talking with friends over coffee? What do they recall later, after we have waved "goodbye" in the parking lot?

Luckily there is tomorrow, and probably many days after that to get this parenting thing, or some part of this thing right.  I will mess up.  I will be short-tempered, or hurry when we should have enjoyed the journey. I will never get it all mastered, but tomorrow I am going to do my best to make sure that whatever my children might recall of these years, some of it will be worth remembering.