First Grade makes Me Cry

I remember first grade. I remember

Jake started first grade today. and I cried last night as I was packing his lunch. I cried because I remember the school play, and losing my teeth and sitting next to Kristin Gunnerson. And I remember wearing a 'dickey' to school because my mother made me, then slipping it off in the bathroom because it itched, and Mrs. Geiser asked if I had left my sweater on the bus (because she could not imagine that my mother had sent me to school without a shirt under my jumper.)

So I cried because Jake is there. He is where I begin to really remember my life. And I am not quite sure why it makes me so sad, except that he is experiencing these things and we can't really even talk about them. Then when he is older, will he remember too? Does he remember things like I do? Does he look forward to things like the first day of school? Was he worried this morning? Was he scared on the bus? Is that why he cried? Oh how he cried this morning.

Bonnie from Tower Road, she told me that I would mourn over and over. That I would be able to get it together in between,but that I would probably notice a loss again when we reached different milestones. She forgot to mention first grade. I thought I wouldn't feel it again until junior high school.

My wonderful husband hugged me in the kitchen until I stopped sobbing.

Jake had a great day at school today. He told me he did.

Bad Moms Never Wonder at All

So at OUR house... at 5am Lucy wakes up and makes all sorts of grumping noises for about an hour. Then at 9am if Jake is in "an episode" he cries and whines from 9:05 until 9:45. So I guess the increase in Zoloft has helped him get over most of the panic attacks, but it has not made the episodes go away completely..
and has anyone ever heard of lymphoid hyperplasia? I am not getting much information except it seems painful and cyclical... hmmm like my child's episodes? My God. What if it is some thing more than a biochemical issue? What if he has some very painful inflammation every six weeks.

I just doled out the advice that if you are wondering if you are a good mom, then you probably are. Bad moms never wonder at all.

I think I will take my own words of wisdom. I am doing the best that I can right? I picked a splinter out of Jake's foot this morning, do you know how hard it is to get an autistic monkey to sit still?...and I gave him his medicine in bed in some yummy vanilla whole fat yogurt. I am trying everything.

Autism -- an evolving concept -- BERNEY 176 (1): 20 -- The British Journal of Psychiatry

Autism -- an evolving concept -- BERNEY 176 (1): 20 -- The British Journal of Psychiatry: "In the absence of a cure, the implementation of ideas will continue to outstrip factual evidence. Clinicians are challenged by the availability of information (and misinformation), particularly on the internet. "

Alexander Pope Solitude: An Ode

Alexander Pope (1688-1744)

Solitude: An Ode

I
How happy he, who free from care
The rage of courts, and noise of towns;
Contented breaths his native air,
In his own grounds.

II
Whose herds with milk,
whose fields with bread,
Whose flocks supply him with attire,
Whose trees in summer yield him shade,
In winter fire.

III
Blest! who can unconcern'dly find
Hours, days, and years slide swift away,
In health of body, peace of mind,
Quiet by day,

IV
Sound sleep by night; study and ease
Together mix'd; sweet recreation,
And innocence, which most does please,
With meditation.

V
Thus let me live, unheard, unknown;
Thus unlamented let me dye;
Steal from the world, and not a stone
Tell where I lye.

Yay for Adderall

I think we have figured out Jake's dosage of Adderall. We actually went to breakfast this morning and we all FOUR of us sat at Stacks and ate breakfast together.
Jake is now able to sit through a meal in a restaurant again. This might seem silly, but our family.. well, one thing we actually do together is we eat. It's something everyone can do. It makes us feel safe.

Collins Rhythmcraft - Shakers

Collins Rhythmcraft - Shakers I went to highschool with Mrs. Collins (although that's not who she was then:)

What Your Soul Really Looks Like

You are a warm hearted and open minded person. It's easy for you to forgive and forget. You are a very grounded, responsible, and realistic person. People may not want to hear the truth from you, but they're going to get it. You believe that people see you as larger than life and important. While this is true, they also think you're a bit full of yourself. Your near future is in a very different place (both physically and mentally) from where you are right now. For you, love is all about caring and comfort. You couldn't fall in love with someone you didn't trust.

Inside the Room of Your Soul

This is going too far...

The Tooth Puller People Iced: Eight Car Bombs Planted: Eleven Favorite Weapon Curdled Milk Arms Broken: Thirty Two Eyes Gouged: Thirteen Tongues Cut Off: None. Pathetic. Biggest Enemy: The Knuckle Scrapper Get Your HITMAN Name

How Evil are You?

Now someone once told me that I have "a mean heart".. I don't speak to that person anymore.. that is a very long story, which thankfully is being shortened and less painful as the years go by...but now that I take this little quiz.. perhaps I am not as good as I thought :)

You Are 40% Evil

A bit of evil lurks in your heart, but you hide it well. In some ways, you are the most dangerous kind of evil.

How Evil Are You?

What City are You?

Apparently, I am New York

Cosmopolitan and sophisticated, you enjoy the newest in food, art, and culture. You also appreciate a good amount of grit - and very little shocks you. You're competitive, driven, and very likely to succeed. Famous people from New York: Sarah Michelle Gellar, Tupac Shakur, Woody Allen

What American City Are You?