24 February, 2004

Sitting on the dock of the eBay

My kid bit his teacher today. No blood, so I laughed and said "that's nothing, you should see my scars". Of course this really didn't make anyone feel better. It is a constant ache to have a child with a disability... always a drama with a doctor's appointment or a therapist or brush therapy or medications or health insurance or the lack of health insurance.
I have an education, from a good school even, I have had a great career at a Fortune 500 company. I have started my own consulting business, and yet, I am at a constant loss as to how best to go about this business of being my kid's mom. This project is so much larger than I could ever have imagined, and while I sometimes wonder why I took out all of those student loans, just so I would one day be a "stay-at-home-mom" I am so glad I did.. SO glad that I worked my mind and problem solved, and read great literature and met amazing people, that I traveled and have foreign language and worked while I did all of those things.. because I can be such a better advocate for my child...because I have worked with arrogant people before (I liken CEOs and neurologists to be of a similar breed) , I have dealt with financial aide to get through school (so similar to the medi-Cal office... except I really wish I had taken Spanish now).. and because I have had financial freedom, and world travel, I do not feel like I am stuck and have never had anything or been anywhere, like so many parents...especially parents of special needs kids feel. I have tasted that life, I know what it looks like and we will do all of those things again... we might wait until the kid can walk a bit better rather than take a wheelchair across cobblestone and up elevators too small to hold us and our packs, but we will do it again. We were good at it together then, the hubbins and I ... and we will be even better the kiddo.
Anyway, I can't seem to keep my head down and work. I am trying, but as a consultant I don't have the same time pressures, and because my time is my own... here in a little cubby at an office, I feel so fantastic, I hardly want to work on something so banal as a policy manual. So I find myself shopping eBay, googling old friends (like Nicole Eggert? jeesh what came over me?), and staring off into space before venturing off to the Company kitchen to get some HOT tea.... I even drank it while it was hot.
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